Yun Ci heard a faint buzzing in his ears.
In the corridor, the neighbor’s door was open, and someone was cooking.
The clatter of pots and pans continued, the smell of cooking wafting through the door gap.
But he was oblivious.
It felt like he had detached from this world, and when he came back, something was missing.
He stubbornly asked again, as if he hadn’t understood: “What do you mean?”
“To end this,” he repeated, “what does it mean?”
There was a few seconds of silence on the other end.
When Yu Xun’s voice came again, the previous unfamiliar coldness was gone, and his voice returned to its usual casual tone: “It means breaking up. Is that hard to understand?”
“……”
Yun Ci couldn’t say anything for a moment.
It turned out that the coldness earlier wasn’t the most unfamiliar part; this was.
Even though the tone was the same as usual.
Even though the cadence was no different from usual.
But everything had changed.
Yun Ci’s Adam’s apple moved: “My dad talked to you.”
Yu Xun sounded indifferent: “We had a chat.”
Yun Ci: “What did he say?”
“Nothing much,” Yu Xun said. “Just told me to think it through.”
After a moment, he added: “He’s right. We’re too young, we don’t know what we’ll face. Being together is too exhausting.”
Yun Ci tried to stop him: “I’m not afraid.”
His voice became hoarse, struggling to get the words out: “Being with you, I don’t feel tired.”
“……”
Can we not break up?
But Yun Ci couldn’t say it out loud.
Through the network, unable to see the other person, he had no way of knowing Yu Xun’s expression or state, only guessing from his voice.
Yu Xun sighed, sounding a bit weary: “I feel tired.”
……
Yun Ci had imagined many scenarios.
No matter how much Yan Yue opposed or demanded he return to the “right path,” it didn’t matter to him. He could ignore Yan Yue’s words and slowly work on changing his mind.
He just hadn’t considered what to do if Yu Xun didn’t want to continue.
Yan Yue was right about one thing: this road was hard.
If Yu Xun didn’t want to walk it, he had no position to drag him along.
Yun Ci acted as if he hadn’t heard and suddenly said: “Didn’t you say we’d move out together next semester?”
“I found a place, just a few hundred meters from school.”
“We can move next semester.”
He started talking randomly, incoherently: “And for the New Year, we can still set off fireworks.”
“……”
These were things they had planned to do together.
Yu Xun interrupted him: “I said I’m tired.”
……
After leaving the West High building in the morning, Yu Xun hadn’t gone far. He was now at the entrance of an internet café.
The black internet café was still the same as in high school; besides school, it was where he spent the most time.
Outside the internet café, cluttered with miscellaneous goods, he leaned against the wall, facing the pile of junk, and opened a window a crack.
But he still felt suffocated.
He bit his lip, breathing silently.
Yan Yue’s words, “I beg you, don’t ruin him,” kept echoing in his mind. He forced all his emotions down with those words.
When he spoke again, his voice was disguised, pretending to be casual: “…Your dad coming to find me all the time is pretty annoying.”
After saying that, there was silence on the other end.
Each word Yu Xun said tightened the grip on his heart: “Let’s break up.”
It turns out, when the pain is extreme, it becomes numb.
After he finished speaking, he thought.
The person on the other end of the call was someone he had cherished in his heart for many years and finally got to be with.
The black internet café was almost empty at this time.
After finishing the call, he pushed the door open and walked in, fished out a five-yuan note from his pocket, and said to the owner, “Two hours.”
The internet café owner said, “Prices have gone up. Five yuan only gets you one hour now.” The owner, with a cigarette in his mouth, looked up and saw a familiar and excessively beautiful face.
Though ‘beautiful’ was not a fitting word for a boy.
The boy had grown more robust than before, with a broader frame, but his eyes were dark, shrouded by intense emotions.
“But since you’re an old customer,” the owner said, “I’ll give you a discount. Your old spot, machine number five.”
Machine number five, in the far corner.
His old spot.
Yu Xun didn’t know why he came in, maybe he just needed a place to calm down.
He turned on the computer, stared at the screen for a while.
He really didn’t know what to do and had no interest in playing games.
He lowered his head and looked at his phone.
He had been missing for two days, and many people were looking for him.
Gao Pingyang: [Is everything okay at home? If you need any help, let the teacher know.]
Luo Sifang: [This is ridiculous; our dorm got points deducted again.]
Luo Sifang: [And in such heavy rain, the janitor was still out in a raincoat catching people.]
Senior sister: [Yu Chichi recently learned to shake hands. It’s really smart. But its favorite toy is still the one you brought when you came.]
Even a drama club senior: [Princess, Princess, are you there? We really need a princess.]
[…]
Liu Zi had sent the most messages.
Daily complaints, curses, not wanting to work, not wanting to go to class, indiscriminately attacking everyone.
Yu Xun was going to scroll past, but his eyes caught on one message.
Among Liu Zi’s messages was a photo.
It was a picture of him and Yun Ci.
A candid shot by the bonfire. The firelight by the sea illuminated everyone’s faces, and for some reason, everyone was laughing. The sea wind was strong, making everyone look messy.
Yun Ci sat beside him, bracing against the wild wind, his fringe covering his cold brows and eyes. Both of their gazes were on each other, as if they were always watching each other.
That birthday.
The people he liked, his friends, everyone was there.
When making his birthday wish, he thought that day would last forever.
Yu Xun stared at the photo for a long, long time, until the screen timed out and went dark.
The internet café owner came over with a cup of instant noodles, offering another free cup for old customers: “Why are all of you coming back to see me recently, and in two groups? Next time, just come together with that old classmate of yours.”
The internet café owner reminisced: “Watching you two compete was fun. My café hasn’t been that lively since your class.”
“……”
Yu Xun’s hand on the mouse turned white at the knuckles.
After a long while, he said, “We won’t come together again.”
The café was noisy, and the owner didn’t hear clearly: “What?”
Yu Xun’s gaze fell on the spot opposite machine number five.
The spot where Yun Ci used to be.
In this black internet café, they had had one-on-one duels and brought two whole classes to occupy the entire café for competitions.
“I and him,” Yu Xun’s barely held-together emotions finally snapped, “won’t come together again.”
—
Before returning to school, Yu Xun had been waiting for Yang Wei to appear.
This guy was actually quite cowardly. After writing the report letter, he only dared to hide and not face him directly.
Yu Xun called Yang Wei several times, and by the evening, Yang Wei finally answered: “Here to apologize to your uncle?”
Yu Xun was expressionless: “Yeah, here to apologize.”
Yang Wei thought he was being genuine, plus he was short on cash and needed to get some money: “Alright, how much money do you have on you? Bring some over.”
Lying on the bed, in a good mood, he said: “Maybe if I’m happy, I’ll let your little boyfriend go.”
“Being a teacher is such a nice job. Next time, I won’t write a letter; it’s too much trouble. I’ll go to their school directly and let everyone know how his dad teaches students.”
“……”
“So where are you,” Yu Xun’s voice was very calm, “I’ll bring the money.”
Yang Wei gave an address.
Near his home, at the cheapest motel.
Yu Xun: “I’ll be there in half an hour.”
It turned out that Yang Wei underestimated this tagalong that Yu Ying brought again. He didn’t understand Yu Xun’s character or know how reckless he could be.
Yu Xun didn’t bring any money. When he entered, he punched Yang Wei in the face.
Then grabbed his collar and punched again.
Once, twice.
Almost beating him to death.
Yang Wei: “F*ck! You dare hit me?”
Blood foamed out of his mouth as he spoke. Panicking, he grabbed something randomly and stabbed at Yu Xun, “I’ll call the police, I’ll go to their school… I’ll…”
Before Yang Wei could finish, Yu Xun silenced him with another punch.
Yu Xun felt like he was not hitting a person, but a mass of flesh and skin. After knocking Yang Wei down, he mercilessly yanked him back up by the collar: “Call the police, let them arrest me, but before they get me, you’ll be dead.”
His hand gripped Yang Wei’s throat, fingers tightening: “Though my life for yours is a bit of a loss.”
Yu Xun looked deeply into his eyes, “But whatever, I’m not afraid of death. Let’s see if you are.”
At that moment, Yang Wei had no doubt that Yu Xun would do it.
A person who dared to take Yu Ying away after the middle school exams, who kept him hiding for two years without daring to return.
Yu Xun had no other options; he could only bet that Yang Wei would back down. Even if he wanted to do something disgusting again in the future, it would have to be targeted at him: “Also, he’s not my boyfriend anymore.”
He seemed indifferent: “He and I have no relationship now.”
“Even if you make a scene at school, it won’t do any good.”
“You’re just like Yu Ying,” Yang Wei couldn’t tell what he really felt about that boy anymore. He could break up just like that. His face turned purple from being choked, and he said with difficulty, “You people with the surname Yu are all lunatics, all psychos.”
Yu Xun actually smiled: “Yes, I’m a lunatic.”
He lowered his head, getting close to Yang Wei and said, “So don’t mess with a lunatic, got it?”
After leaving the motel, Yu Xun lingered on the nearby streets for a while.
He turned into a convenience store.
On the store shelves, there were rows of miscellaneous goods. He picked a pack of cigarettes.
In high school, Liu Zi had tried smoking, and Yu Xun stopped him: “Damn, why are you taking my cigarette?!”
They were at a barbecue stall at that time.
After snuffing out the cigarette, Yu Xun said, “Idiot, smoking this crap.”
Liu Zi, in his rebellious phase, thought smoking was cool. After Yu Xun scolded him, he didn’t get to act cool and lost interest in smoking. Besides, to be honest, the stuff was quite harsh.
Yu Xun left the convenience store, found a random spot, and numbly watched the crowd passing by on the roadside. After a while, he took a cigarette from the pack, lit it, and put it to his lips.
……
He inhaled the first puff.
The intense tobacco flavor flooded his body.
After finishing one cigarette, he lit another, and waited for the tobacco taste to dissipate.
During the wait, a new WeChat message popped up.
It was from his top contact.
A white avatar.
[When are you coming back to the dorm?]
Yu Xun read these words several times.
In the end, he didn’t reply. Instead, he privately messaged Gao Pingyang: [Teacher, I plan to change dorms.]
When Gao Pingyang received the message, he keenly sensed something was off. These two had been talking about changing dorms since the beginning of the semester, so he should be used to it.
After a while, he realized something was wrong.
Previously, it was always Yun Ci who wanted to change dorms.
This was the first time Yu Xun mentioned changing dorms.
He didn’t say he “wanted” to; he said he “planned” to.
“What happened,” Gao Pingyang entered the counselor’s office on time, as agreed with Yu Xun, “You two have been getting along well recently, Yun Ci even helped you ask for leave. Why do you suddenly want to change dorms? Your relationship changes faster than the weather—”
Gao Pingyang’s joking tone stopped abruptly when he saw Yu Xun.
There was an unknown injury on Yu Xun’s forehead, and he was tightly wrapped in some indescribable emotion. He stood there, standing straight, but Gao Pingyang had the illusion that he could barely stand.
Yu Xun repeated, “I plan to change dorms.”
“Tonight.”
“If I can’t change, I’ll take a leave of absence.”
Gao Pingyang was a bit at a loss. He heard that Yu Xun was not joking: “I know you plan to change dorms… Did something happen to you?”
Yu Xun heard his own voice, as if it were someone else speaking: “Nothing happened, I just want to change.”
Gao Pingyang wanted to say more.
Yu Xun could no longer hold on.
He couldn’t say another word, his Adam’s apple moved with difficulty, revealing a hint of pleading: “I want to move, teacher.”
The same office.
At the beginning of the semester, when their dorm was caught using a transformer and they were called in for criticism.
That day, Yun Ci pushed open the office door and walked in. Gao Pingyang said, “It’s just right for you to live in the same dorm.”
That day, he thought maybe fate was really smiling on him.
Gao Pingyang was silent for a long time. When he spoke again, he agreed: “Okay.”
He opened the record book, looking for an available spot. After flipping through a few pages, he stopped and said, “There’s an empty bed in a dorm on the fifth floor of building seven. The other people in the dorm are…”
“This one,” Yu Xun interrupted him, not interested in knowing who his new roommates would be, “I’ll go pack my things now.”
—
Dorm 608.
The dorm was in the same state as usual.
When Yu Xun went upstairs, he hadn’t even reached the door when he heard familiar noises from the dorm.
Luo Sifang was playing a game, swearing: “This guy must be cheating. Report him.”
Wang Zhuang lay on the bed, eyes closed, echoing blindly: “Right, with our dorm leader’s superb gaming skills, how could anyone get a headshot on him?”
Peng Yiyuan had recently found a new pay-to-win game and was constantly recharging.
Liu Sheng occasionally plucked his guitar, stuck in a creative bottleneck.
……
Among these voices, Yun Ci’s was absent.
Just as Yu Xun thought, “He’s not in the dorm,” he looked up and saw the figure standing at the stairwell corner.
Yun Ci couldn’t remember how long he had been standing there.
Maybe half a day.
Yu Xun hadn’t replied to his messages. He didn’t know when he would return or if he would return at all. He had no other way but to wait. Wait for him to appear.
But the moment he saw him, Yun Ci suddenly didn’t know what to say.
The boy stood against the corridor light, tall and straight, his eyebrows and eyes darkened, his contours deepened by shadows, the sharpness in his eyes seemed to have extinguished.
There was no usual teasing or the sparkling look he always had when he looked at him.
Instinctively, Yun Ci reached out to touch the scabbed wound on Yu Xun’s face.
Yu Xun turned his face, avoiding his hand.
An invisible chasm lay between them.
Yun Ci’s hand hung in the stifling air.
“Your injury.” Yun Ci couldn’t help but speak.
After avoiding it, Yu Xun took a step back: “Just a careless scratch.”
Yun Ci waited, only to realize that after saying this, Yu Xun didn’t intend to say anything more.
So Yun Ci asked again: “Didn’t you see the message I sent?”
“I saw it,” Yu Xun said, “I didn’t reply.”
“……”
Yun Ci wanted to ask why.
But those three words stuck in his throat because he actually knew the answer.
Yu Xun laid out the answer, stark and bare in front of him: “We broke up.”
“So, it’s best not to contact each other anymore.”
Unlike the breakup over the phone, this time Yu Xun was standing right in front of him.
Yun Ci’s gaze shifted downward.
Yu Xun’s collar was empty, with nothing on it.
Yu Xun noticed his gaze, followed it down to his collar, and then said casually, “I took it off, but I haven’t thrown it away yet. If you want it, I’ll return it to you another day.”
“……”
Yun Ci locked his eyes tightly on Yu Xun’s, trying to find a trace of reluctance in his eyes. But there was nothing in Yu Xun’s eyes.
At this point, he still almost humbly asked, “Can we not break up?”
……
Yun Ci should be the proudest one, the boy who brought all the boys from his class to their class, chin held high to issue a challenge.
But now, because of him, he had cast aside all dignity.
He seemed on the verge of breaking, his usually cold eyes were red, and every word was spoken with extreme difficulty: “You said, no returns.”
—Is there still a chance to take it back?
—No, there’s no chance for a return in this lifetime.
Words that should never have been said.
But Yun Ci couldn’t control himself and still said these meaningless words.
Yu Xun’s fingers, where Yun Ci couldn’t see, were clenched rigidly, nails almost digging into his palms, but he couldn’t feel any pain.
After a long while, he looked at Yun Ci and said, “I changed my mind.”
“You were right,” Yu Xun continued to torture himself, in a self-abusive way, as if he wanted to tear himself apart, “maybe my feelings for you were just an illusion.”
“It was just because we’ve been focusing on each other too much these past few years.”
You should have always, always hated me.
“Compared to being lovers.”
“Being enemies suits us better.”
Like before.
Always, always.
Hating each other.
Being roommates was an accident, getting drunk was an accident, the photos on the phone were an accident.
These accidents shouldn’t have happened.
He should have hidden it for a lifetime.
He never should have reached out to grasp that wind.
After Yu Xun finished speaking, he felt a part of him roaring inside gradually calm down.
The wind had stopped.
NO WAY
Actually gonna throw up, all this happened cause of that trashy uncle…