“‘This single word has run straight through my entire life…’”
Ben let out a quiet sigh, his eyes drifting over the three people standing in front of him:
“If possible, I really wish the people who came were a bit older—preferably older than me, and preferably a priest. That way, I could treat this conversation as my final confession.
I could ask the priest to bear witness that my love for her was in no way inferior to her love for me.
When I die, I will carry the most intense love and return to her embrace as her absolute equal.
But I’ve strayed too far off topic. Let’s bring it back to what we should be talking about.
Both of my parents abandoned me, yet I could genuinely feel their love extending toward me continuously. The better I lived, the more intense that invisible love became.
Back then, I could easily have afforded a fine house in the city center.
Yet, oddly enough, I chose to return to the very Chinatown I had once been so desperate to escape.
Why?
I thought about that question later on. In truth, it was probably still that same childhood desire to show off to others—‘Acquiring wealth without returning home is like wearing fine silk clothes in the dark of night.’ I enjoyed the envy and fear in other people’s eyes. And when those looks came from the very people who used to look down on you, the sensation was sweeter than honey.
My former friends began kissing up to me. Like a pack of dogs, they circled around me, barking and whimpering. When beasts try to please humans, they stand upright on two legs; when humans try to please humans, they bend their backs and hunch their shoulders instead.
I thought it was a fair transaction: they wanted the money in my hands, and I used that money to buy their dignity.
Though I highly doubted whether they ever possessed such a thing to begin with…
That brings me to my neighbors. Back then, they didn’t raise a finger to help my mother and me, but seeing me return rich, they wanted a piece of the pie. Remembering what their daughter had done for us in the past, they dispatched her to bring me food and drink.
My instinct was to lock her out.
As for those who had wronged me in the past, I could see them whenever I pleased, freely using my status and wealth to humiliate them. Even if I slapped one side of their face with money, they’d still lick their lips, smile, and offer up the other cheek. Those bloodshot eyes of theirs could see nothing in this world except green banknotes.
But Miao Zhen… she was different, after all. I had once felt genuine kindness from her, so I didn’t want to lump her together with the rest.
When she knocked on my door, I didn’t open it.
That night, I overheard the harsh scolding from her parents. Amid those loud, vile insults echoing through the night, I never once heard Miao Zhen’s voice—no talking back, no crying.
The night passed just like that.
The next day, I saw Miao Zhen again.
I knew her family had forced her over once more.
This time, I opened the door.
Miao Zhen walked inside. She carried a cloth-covered basket containing nothing but fruit grown in her parents’ backyard. They wanted to flatter me, yet they were too stingy to part with a single penny.
Miao Zhen placed the basket on the table and shook her head at me.
‘You shouldn’t have opened the door.’
My heart instantly relaxed. Time had not changed my old friend; she was still the guiding spirit in the dark night of my memory.
‘They were cursing at you.’
‘Let them be. After three days of shouting, they’d give up on this unrealistic pipe dream. But now that you’ve opened the door, this is never going to end.’
Miao Zhen undoubtedly understood her parents.
Me opening the door made them realize there was hope, so they began trying every trick in the book to matchmake Miao Zhen and me.
Both of us were under her parents’ constant surveillance, feeling utterly exhausted by the relentless pressure.
During that time, my house became her temporary haven. Every time her parents sent her over, she brought tools for doll-making and sat by my windowsill crafting handmade dolls. She sold them on the street daily to help supplement her family’s income.
My home was filled with guests; I had returned precisely to bask in the flattery of these ‘visitors.’ Thus, most of the time, my house was lively and noisy. Yet she never joined in, nor did anyone try to drag her in.
She was a peaceful corner tucked inside that mindless, hollow bustle…
However, under the relentless pressure of her parents, even that peace shrank smaller and smaller.
It was a form of torment.
In truth, I didn’t even know whether my return had been meant for enjoyment or for torture.
Perhaps enjoyment and torture were one and the same to begin with.
Finally, that fragile balance shattered.
Miao Zhen decided to get married.
The man she married was a customer who had routinely bought her dolls.
Her parents were dumbfounded.
And so was I.
Reaching her before her parents could, I asked, ‘This decision is too sudden.’
‘It’s not really that sudden.’
‘Do you even know him?’
‘Enough to know him. He has no sisters or young children at home. He kept coming to buy dolls simply because he liked me and wanted to see me.’
‘Do you like him?’
Miao Zhen let out a joyful laugh: ‘Like him? Well, I certainly don’t dislike him. I’m actually looking forward to having children with him. A lot of our thoughts align. When he bought dolls from me, he’d discuss what our future children might look like.’
‘But…’
I desperately wanted to ask her: Are you rushing into marriage just to escape your parents pressuring me?
Yet she didn’t spare another glance for me.
She turned and walked away.
When I saw her next, she was wearing a red wedding dress, stepping out of her parents’ doorway and taking another man’s hand.
That moment… was truly uncanny. In that exact instant, I felt with absolute clarity both my love for her and her love for me.
Love never passed her lips, but she proved her love for me through her actions.
By marrying him, she liberated me from her parents’ grip. Her sacrifice—her immaculate love—completed me.”
Ben paused here, letting out a small, quiet laugh:
“This story sounds a lot like the cliché about only appreciating something once it’s gone.”
It was a story about only appreciating something after losing it, yet it was far more than just that.
Because from a young age, Ben had been conditioned—brainwashed—by his mother.
Leaving is love.
That was why Ben could only truly feel love when Miao Zhen departed from his life.
Ji Xun thought to himself: The origin of this tragedy stems from a subtle psychological dislocation.
Ben continued:
“After Miao Zhen married, the love in my heart burned like a roaring fire, yet I didn’t dare disturb her. I thought a verse from the Bible had it right: love is selflessness, love is devotion, love is long-suffering.
Miao Zhen’s marriage was very happy.
She and her husband soon welcomed a lovely child.
A little girl.
Everything was wonderful. Together, they dressed the little girl up as cute as a porcelain doll.
I quietly helped behind the scenes, smoothing her husband’s career path so they could move out of Chinatown into a white suburban neighborhood. Once they selected their community, I purchased a house in the adjacent neighborhood.
I wanted to buy a house in their exact neighborhood, but I worried being too close might ruin her marriage.
So I chose the neighboring subdivision instead—a distance that surely wouldn’t spark any rumors or scandal.
Over those few years, I restrained myself, never interfering in her happy life, contenting myself with brief, accidental encounters… Right around that time, her child fell ill.
To be sick meant needing treatment.
It was her misfortune, but it was my stroke of luck. Miao Zhen and her husband were just ordinary people living in a foreign land. Having been married only a few years, they had just taken out a mortgage for their home. Each month, their wages were split up by various loan payments the moment they arrived, leaving their tiny savings as nothing more than a drop in the bucket.
Without waiting for Miao Zhen to ask, I immediately contacted a hospital on the child’s behalf and covered all the expenses.
Miao Zhen and her husband were deeply grateful, but I didn’t need her gratitude. I was even grateful for the illness itself—it gave the brimming love stored inside my heart an outlet at long last.
However, once the child was admitted for tests, we realized money wasn’t the only obstacle.
Money could hire the very best doctors, but it couldn’t directly secure the organ the child needed.
And as fate would have it, the child’s condition specifically required an organ transplant.
Without a moment’s hesitation, I began making inquiries in the black market for organ trading channels.
It was during this time that Miao Zhen’s husband decided to file for divorce. His decision to walk away baffles me to this day—I believed the luckiest thing in his entire life was marrying Miao Zhen, yet he surrendered the greatest blessing of his life so easily…”
“Out of guilt,” Ji Xun said quietly. “As the child’s father, what he could do for his gravely ill daughter fell far short of what you were doing. His pride as a father consumed him with guilt.”
“And perhaps out of escape—escaping the duty of being a father,” Huo Ranyin added dispassionately. “The mental and financial toll of a critically ill child likely shattered whatever love he had left for the family.”
Ben didn’t join in their analysis.
He simply carried on: “Regardless, the divorce was very peaceful. Neither Miao Zhen nor her husband blamed me—they were immensely grateful to me… Perhaps that was the reward granted to long-suffering love.
When I tried every possible means to secure an organ, good news also came from the hospital: through official, regular channels, a matching organ for the child was showing promise. It was estimated that after waiting another three to six months, her name would come up on the list.
A double blessing.
Something that had seemed impossible suddenly offered two distinct choices.
Miao Zhen and I discussed which organ to go with. The one I sourced was from the black market, but its advantage was immediacy—we could schedule the surgery right away. As for the official organ, it was naturally safer and far more reliable, but waiting another half year meant the child would suffer for another six months.
Besides, long delays invited unexpected complications. What if something went wrong with the official organ during those waiting months?
Coincidentally, when I reached back out to the black market, the dealer told me: If you have reservations, we can arrange for the organ you want to enter official channels directly.”
“Enter official channels directly?” Huo Ranyin murmured to himself. “Tang Jinglong?”
Ji Xun remained silent.
Yes, isn’t that precisely what Tang Jinglong and his syndicate were doing? Isn’t that the most appalling operation aboard this ship?
To think Mr. Liu was already capable of pulling this off back then.
In that case, Ji Yu’s heart…
He couldn’t resist glancing toward Meng Fushan, only to find Meng Fushan looking at him as well before quickly pulling his gaze away.
Ji Xun realized… Meng Fushan had realized it too…
It was highly probable that Ji Xun’s parents had made the exact same choice as Ben—sourcing a heart for Ji Yu through the black market…
Ben remained oblivious to the thoughts racing through the minds of the three men before him. He remained completely absorbed in his story.
“Those words washed away all my hesitation, so we decided to use the black market organ that was available immediately.
Once the surgery date was set, Miao Zhen cried and laughed all at once, grabbing my hand tightly. She didn’t say a word, but through her tear-glistening eyes, I saw hope.
Then, completely out of the blue, she expressed a wish: Once the child recovers, I hope the three of us can be together.
It came so suddenly…”
“It wasn’t sudden at all,” Ji Xun noted. “Do you think she loved you at that moment?”
“…” Ben shook his head. “I don’t know. I loved her, but…”
“She was merely bowing under the weight of rumors,” Ji Xun said calmly. “With her child lying in a hospital bed, even though you had been offering selfless devotion all along, a mother physically and mentally exhausted for her child had no capacity to contemplate romance at such a time. The reason she expressed that wish stemmed from her ex-husband and the gossip swirling around her. People’s whispers, societal expectations, and her own immense gratitude toward you all entangled together, driving her to make that choice despite feeling very little romantic love for you.”
“Yet you rejected her,” Ji Xun stated softly. He saw right through Ben’s hesitation; even now, Ben remained confounded by his choice back then.
Yet there was no real mystery to it.
Ben’s mother had taught him how to love:
Selfless, distant, and expecting nothing in return—that was love.
Neither of his parents had ever returned to Ben’s side in the end, so this love was likewise destined to remain unreciprocated by Miao Zhen.
That was likely the fundamental reason behind Ben’s hesitation at the time.
After a long silence, Ben spoke slowly:
“After the organ transplant, the child improved day by day. Both Miao Zhen and I were overjoyed.
The child was remarkably sensible too—she never asked where her father was, becoming very attached to me instead.
I suppose Miao Zhen had explained things to her, just as my mother used to stroke my head when I was small, telling me my father had left for my own good.
Then suddenly—so unexpectedly—organ rejection set in.
A child who was fine in the morning passed away by nightfall.
Forget Miao Zhen—even I couldn’t bring myself to believe it.
The shattering of hope left both of us utterly broken. Miao Zhen, who had never touched alcohol before, turned to heavy drinking.
One day…
One night, reeking of booze, a intoxicated Miao Zhen came to confront me.
She grabbed hold of me, sobbing and laughing hysterically, screaming questions at me endlessly: Was the organ bad? Was the transplanted organ defective? If we had just used the organ from the official hospital channel—It’s your fault! It’s all your fault! I trusted your words and used an organ of unknown origin, and it killed my daughter!
That night, I truly saw Miao Zhen for who she was.
Not the Miao Zhen who unlatched the fence for me in the dead of night; not the Miao Zhen who sat on my windowsill; not the Miao Zhen who married another man… not the Miao Zhen who existed far away from me.
It was the Miao Zhen standing right in front of me at that very moment.
She held onto me, and I could hold onto her in return.
She was… alive and real.”
“Losing her child caused her such agony,” Ben said. “I should have shared her pain over the loss, yet in that cruel moment, my heart was filled with nothing but my own selfish love for her. That love surged like a flame inside my chest… it was almost like a curse—a curse that killed her child!
If I hadn’t been so eager to show off, so eager to give my love an outlet, I wouldn’t have contacted the black market, and the child wouldn’t have died!
Miao Zhen wept hysterically in my arms.
Yet my mind was completely filled with her real, living presence. What surged inside me was the joy of realizing my love for her, intertwined with the agonizing pain of knowing that such joy was despicable and shameless…”
“Finally moving from loving an illusion to loving a real person,” Meng Fushan remarked dryly. “How delightful.”
“Yeah…” Ben let out a self-deprecating chuckle. “Perhaps.”
Then, his smile gradually faded.
Yet a strange, peculiar satisfaction crept onto his face.
“The next day, Miao Zhen asked me to meet her at the hospital where the child had been treated.
She told me she forgave me.
And then, right before my eyes, she leaped from the high floor of the hospital building.”
“She forgave me…” Ben continued softly. “In that final look she gave me, I saw no hatred—only love.”
Of course it was love; how could there be hatred in the final glance of someone so close? Ji Xun remembered Ji Yu. He slowly savored the bitterness that seeped out from the story into reality.
Rising from the back of his tongue, swallowed into his stomach with his saliva…
Then surging back up from his stomach, permeating his heart, liver, lungs, and spleen.
The woman had used death to carry away all the guilt.
The survivor was forcibly washed clean.
But did that make the sin disappear?
Ben took a long, deep breath. His voice trembled slightly, as if this memory still overwhelmed him with emotion to this day:
“She struck the ground, blood spreading across the pavement.
There was no saving her.”
“And then?” Ji Xun asked.
“And then?”
“What did you do to her?” Ji Xun said. “I don’t think her fall was the end of the story.”
“…I did something you three might never comprehend,” Ben smiled softly. “But it was the single most correct thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.
I… ate her.”
“You…” Huo Ranyin dazed for a second. “Eate her?”
“Mhm.” Ben regained his composure, nodding plainly. “I attended her funeral and stole her body.
I cut open her chest, removed her heart, and prepared it into a dish.
It was delicious. The most delicious dish I’ve ever made in my life.
I didn’t waste a single morsel. It contained my highest culinary skill and every ounce of my emotion.
Miao Zhen is with me forever now. Every moment of every day, never to part.”
His distant lover had been like the moon in the sky. The moon had once walked by his side, only to return to the heavens once more.
He had experienced that real love, and now he possessed that eternal love.
Thus, when the moon fell from the rooftop, it simultaneously rose brightly within his heart.
She fell, and her life came to an end.
Yet at the same time, she transformed into an immaculate goddess, holding a pure, unblemished sanctity within a man’s heart that would never fade.
Ben looked to his side.
The woman was leaning sweetly against him.
“She saved me with her life. That’s why I came onto this ship—I am willing to spend the rest of my life ensuring that what happened to her never happens to anyone else.”
