Yan Yue didn’t speak for a long time.
He started to recall constantly, wondering when it all began. Was it from the second year of high school, when he brought Yu Xun home, or from college, when he gave both of them the same advice about their major and dorm?
People tend to look for reasons from their own perspective.
And the letter pointed directly at him with every word.
Half an hour earlier, he was about to enter the class when a female teacher hesitated and called him: “Mr. Yan.”
“There’s a letter for you,” she said hesitantly. “I went to check the mailbox this morning…”
She usually collected the mail from the complaint box.
Because students, being mischievous during their adolescence, loved to cause trouble, many would maliciously write anonymous letters and drop them in. So she always paid attention to the content when collecting mail.
She said angrily: “This is clearly a troublemaker, it’s too shameless, so I intercepted it first.”
“Check if you’ve offended someone recently or if some student’s parent is deliberately causing trouble.”
“……”
Even if it was absurd, he couldn’t help but think. Back then, Yun Ci disliked Yu Xun so much, and he had always hoped to improve their relationship.
……
It was he who brought Yu Xun home.
Time rewound. In a certain instant, it returned to a few years ago.
Standing in front of him, Yu Xun reverted to his high school appearance.
Wearing the West High uniform, with a thin chin, sleeping on the classroom desk during the day, sometimes surrounded by a group of people in the back row, talking and laughing, with a touch of sharpness between his brows.
He found Yu Xun, told him to pack his bag, and follow him home.
——”Where are you going after school? Still to the internet cafe?”
——”What’s the situation at home? If you don’t want to talk about it, I won’t ask, but this can’t continue.”
——”Pack your homework and come with me.”
He drove and dragged Yu Xun out of the internet cafe, taking him home.
That day, Yun Ci was at home, sitting on the living room sofa watching TV. When he saw him bringing Yu Xun back, he almost exploded: “Just replace me with him, let Yu be your son.”
“……”
Yan Yue’s thoughts were finally pulled back by Yu Xun’s “Yes.”
Yes.
We are in a relationship.
Yan Yue’s tone was somewhat exhausted: “…Since when?”
There was an unspoken pressure, and he repeated, “Since when did it start?”
Yu Xun felt a silent oppression and said, “For a while now.”
Yan Yue had a thousand words in his heart, but they all condensed into three harsh words: “…Why?”
Yu Xun put away his casual demeanor, his voice low: “I liked him first.”
“I pursued him.”
“……”
Every time he spoke, his voice lowered a bit more.
“I’ve liked him for a long time.”
After Yu Xun finished speaking, he waited for Yan Yue to scold him, or simply hit him, anything.
But Yan Yue did none of that.
The only thing Yan Yue did was to open a drawer and take out a photo that was pressed at the bottom.
It was a family photo, with a young Yun Ci, himself from many years ago, and Yun Xiao standing on the far side.
After taking out the photo, his hand remained on the desk, almost unable to stand.
This was a rare moment of loss of composure for the resolute and formidable dean of West High, feared by every student.
He reviewed papers and corrected students’ assignments daily, but today, for the first time, he felt like he was being judged. Those eyes judging him were in the sky, in the distant past, in his dreams—they were Yun Xiao’s eyes, just like in the photo.
Yan Yue carefully placed the photo on the desk and suddenly said, “Xiao Ci’s mother died in a car accident.”
For the first time, he voluntarily opened his own wound, talking about that past, “She could have survived, but she blocked that steel rod that went through the car window.”
“If it were me, I would have made the same choice as her.”
“Choosing to let the child live between one’s own life and the child’s life.”
“From the day she died, the responsibility of taking care of Yun Ci fell solely on me,” Yan Yue reflected on these years, “I didn’t dare slack off, I tried to give him the best education, planning the most correct life for him, because Yun Ci’s life was exchanged with his mother’s.”
At the end of his words, he suppressed all emotions with great effort, avoiding directing his uncontrolled emotions at this former student.
But it was too difficult to suppress.
Sharp questions drilled out from the gaps in his words like needles: “He shouldn’t become gay.”
Yan Yue’s gaze locked tightly onto Yu Xun.
In his tone, there was an unrecognized plea: “…He can’t be gay.”
“You are still young now, maybe acting on impulse, thinking nothing matters, and you don’t understand what you’ll face in the future.”
Yan Yue pointed to the envelope and said, “If this report letter goes public, it might ruin me, get me suspended, or lead to complaints and gossip from students’ parents. None of that matters to me. But this letter can’t ruin my son.”
……
All the words Yu Xun had prepared got stuck in his throat.
Unable to bear Yan Yue’s gaze, he lowered his eyes, only to meet the eyes of the woman in the photo again.
The woman was smiling, looking very gentle.
But he felt his eyes burning, something scorching inside.
When he received Yan Yue’s call unexpectedly, Yu Xun thought he could face it.
He was naive then; when reality was torn open, he found himself unable to face it at all.
Yan Yue said again: “Isn’t it that you yourselves are not even sure what kind of feelings you have for each other?”
He grasped at the last straw, a drowning man placing all his hopes on it, questioning: “You’ve been messing around for three years in high school; he may not even understand what kind of feeling this really is.”
“……”
“Consider this a plea from a teacher,” he finally said, “Please don’t ruin him.”
Yu Xun stood in the office, feeling himself continually falling.
He had a strong sense of weightlessness.
His throat was very dry, so dry that he couldn’t utter a single sound.
No wonder Yun Ci studied so desperately.
He took everything seriously, even repeatedly practicing the dances he wasn’t good at.
Before meeting him, every step of Yun Ci’s life was correct and excellent.
……
Yun Ci shouldn’t have a life like this because of him.
He shouldn’t become gay because of him.
–
In Dorm 608.
After finishing his homework, Yun Ci had nothing to do early in the morning, so he took another piece of paper and wrote “Yu Xun” at the top.
Just after writing it, his phone vibrated.
He immediately put down what he was doing and looked at the phone screen.
Li Yan: [dd, we need one more for poker in our dorm, wanna join?]
Yun Ci held his pen, and seeing Li Yan’s name, his attitude immediately turned indifferent again. He raised the priority of finishing his homework, planning to reply later.
However, Li Yan sent several more messages in succession.
Li Yan: [Don’t you want to experience the joy of winning money?]
Li Yan: [Zhou Wenyu is terrible at poker, perfect chance to earn some living expenses.]
[……]
The daily life of contemporary male college students is figuring out ways to earn living expenses.
yc: [Not coming.]
Li Yan: [You don’t have class now, what are you doing in the dorm?]
yc: [Homework.]
Knowing Yun Ci well, Li Yan guessed that he wouldn’t leave today’s homework for tomorrow: [You haven’t finished?]
yc: [Doing a second set.]
He heard that Yu Xun had taken a leave of absence.
So whose second set is this, Li Yan didn’t want to ask anymore.
Zhou Wenyu, who was terrible at poker but loved playing, asked from the side: “Is Ci-ge coming or not?”
Li Yan still found it surreal and answered irrelevantly: “Back in West High, if Yu Xun hadn’t done his homework, Yun Ci would lead the whole class in mocking him.”
After thinking for a moment, he added: “Oh, no, even if he did his homework, if he had more mistakes than Yun Ci, he would get printed out and repeatedly humiliated.”
In short, they had done too many things back in West High.
Zhou Wenyu: “?”
Zhou Wenyu: “What, they don’t mock now?”
Li Yan looked at him and shook his head: “You don’t understand, the world has changed.”
Now, not only would Yun Ci not lead the mockery, but he would also feel distressed.
He didn’t want Yu Xun to be called out by Gao Pingyang to stand and listen to class on Monday.
Yun Ci was halfway through his second set of homework when he received a message from someone else.
Liu Jiayu: [My phone got confiscated again.]
yc: [……]
Liu Jiayu, living like a little elementary school kid without dignity: [I’m using a classmate’s phone to message you.]
Yun Ci responded emotionlessly with an “oh.”
Liu Jiayu continued to rant.
[I hate Yan Yue.]
[I clearly proved to him that I was really studying.]
[I even showed him your WeChat profile.]
Yun Ci initially thought this kid was just talking nonsense until he saw the last sentence.
yc: [You showed him my WeChat profile?]
Liu Jiayu: [Yeah.]
Liu Jiayu: [To prove you’re a college student, I even said you have a partner.]
The pen in Yun Ci’s hand paused.
At that time, he didn’t think it was a big deal. Yan Yue would find out sooner or later, but given Yan Yue’s controlling nature, why hadn’t he said a word after knowing?
He hadn’t asked who his partner was.
Nor when they started dating.
……
This abnormal phenomenon gave him a bad premonition.
Maybe it was the change of seasons; despite the recent rain, the weather quickly became stuffy again, with a hint of more rain to come.
That afternoon there was a lecture that the class presidents of the first and second law classes had to attend with their classes. Gao Pingyang still didn’t know that Yu Xun wasn’t at school.
Since the morning, Yun Ci’s heart had felt like it was skipping a beat.
Before the lecture started, he went to Gao Pingyang’s office: “Teacher, I’d like to request a leave of absence.”
Gao Pingyang: “Do you have something to do?”
“Not me,” he said, “Yu Xun.”
Gao Pingyang: “You two have quite the relationship now, even requesting leave for each other.”
As he spoke, he opened the attendance book and marked “personal leave” next to Yu Xun’s name.
Gao Pingyang: “Then, you’ll be responsible for taking both classes to the lecture. You’ve all been in the same class for a while now, everyone knows each other.”
Yun Ci thought Yu Xun would be back by the afternoon at the latest.
If things were serious, this time would be enough for him to take his aunt to the hospital, get her settled, and then rush back.
……
But after requesting the leave, on his way to the lecture hall, he received a call.
It was from Yan Yue.
However, after answering, there was no sound from the other end for a long time.
People were coming and going in the school building; the rain had just stopped, and the temperature was rising again.
Standing in the corridor of the school building, Yun Ci inhaled a breath of stuffy air as he spoke: “…… Dad?”
Still no sound.
After a long silence, Yan Yue hung up the phone without saying a word.
Yun Ci was about to ask if it was a bad signal, but before he could send the message, Yan Yue’s text arrived first.
[Come back home.]
Events always unfold differently than imagined, crashing down like a storm. When Yun Ci got home, all his prepared words crumbled under Yan Yue’s single sentence, “Your mom saved you with her life, not for you to become like this today.”
“……”
Yun Ci opened his mouth: “Become like this today?”
Yan Yue could barely control himself when facing Yu Xun; there was still the barrier of a teacher-student relationship between them. But the moment he saw Yun Ci, all his tightly held rationality collapsed: “Do I need to be more explicit? You know what you’ve done, and you still have the nerve to ask me.”
Yan Yue, who taught and nurtured students, was inherently rigid in character and couldn’t comprehend the modern young generation’s ways—playing games, being obsessed with phones, students bringing phones to school to make videos, not paying attention in class, aspiring to be internet influencers.
And the most severe issue: liking the same sex.
He remembered when Yun Xiao was still around, Yun Ci was in kindergarten, where playing house was popular.
A little girl pestered Yun Ci to be the “dad.”
Yun Xiao picked him up from school, squatting at the classroom door, she patted Yun Ci’s head: “Do you like her?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“She’s not as pretty as Mom.”
When Yun Xiao came back and told him about it, they also pondered Yun Ci’s future together: “Our Xiao Ci will be a dad one day, wonder what kind of family he’ll have.”
“Oh, we can’t think about that,” Yun Xiao said emotionally, “thinking about it leads to thoughts of him leaving home, leaving me.”
“……”
Now that Yun Xiao was gone, he was the only one left to wait for this “future.”
Yan Yue spoke each word with a dull heartache: “If your mom were alive, what would she think?”
Even after saying this, Yan Yue felt it wasn’t enough: “What’s wrong, can’t speak?”
“Do you find it exhausting to stand here talking to me, or are you now furious, thinking why don’t I understand and support you, thinking I’m old-fashioned, you can think whatever you want.”
“You’ve oversimplified everything; being together means facing more than just my judgment.”
Even though Yan Yue’s words were harsh and each one struck him, Yun Ci stood straight and coldly replied: “I can bear it.”
However, Yan Yue’s final blow was: “You can bear it, but can Yu Xun? Has he thought about what this life means?”
“Does he really understand what choosing this life entails?”
“……”
–
Yun Ci didn’t remember how he left the house.
Did he have a big argument with Yan Yue in the end? It didn’t seem so.
He only remembered constantly calling Yu Xun, but Yu Xun never answered.
yc: [Where are you?]
yc: [Why?]
yc: [Not replying?]
yc: [Answer the phone.]
[……]
The black avatar remained unresponsive.
Yun Ci went to the neighborhood he had been to before, searched around unfamiliar places for a while, found the building where Yu Xun lived, went upstairs, and after knocking on the door for a while, found no one inside.
A neighborhood aunt heard the commotion, cautiously opened her door a crack, peered through the security gate, and said, “Are you looking for Xiao Yu? He’s not home.”
“Not home?”
“He went out early this morning,” the aunt said. “Strangely enough, around seven o’clock, he left.”
“……”
Yun Ci’s mind was a mess, his heartbeat erratic as he ran up the stairs.
Uncontrollably.
A strong sense of foreboding.
He squatted at the stairway entrance of the apartment building.
With his head lowered, he messaged Liu Zi: [Has Yu Xun looked for you?]
Liu Zi, still not quite used to having a friend named Yun Ci: [……]
Liu Zi: [No.]
Liu Zi: [Why? Didn’t he take a leave of absence?]
Liu Zi: [Oh, and about today’s lecture, your law classes are without a leader.]
Liu Zi: [What are you two up to?]
Liu Zi was a bit schadenfreude, wondering if they had a fight.
Although their relationship was absurd, couples still had friction and arguments.
Yun Ci didn’t reply.
There were many unread messages in his inbox—three from Gao Pingyang, one from Li Yan, and a few from Yan Yue. He hadn’t opened any of them.
He then realized that after leaving school, he had no idea where to find Yu Xun.
He sat at the stairway for a while, and just as he was about to get up, his phone rang.
The black avatar: [‘Boyfriend’ invites you to a voice call.]
Yun Ci clicked “accept.”
After the call connected, there was no sound from the other end for a long time. That familiar, lazy, teasing voice didn’t appear.
Through the network, only their breathing could be heard.
Very light, yet very heavy.
Before Yun Ci couldn’t bear the silence any longer, Yu Xun spoke.
His voice surprisingly sounded somewhat unfamiliar, with a touch of coldness for the first time: “Let’s end this.”
No, I think she saved her child’s life so he could grow up and be HAPPY you idiot old-fashioned father