“Yes,” His mom said, picking up her wine glass and swirling it gently, watching the shimmering liquid. She let out a soft sigh. “It was me who didn’t notice.”
Shan Yu rarely heard his mother sigh. In his memory, she was always strong and independent.
“I actually… also didn’t notice that you were starting to get old,” Shan Yu said.
He could almost hear Chen Jian’s voice in his ear, What are you saying, boss!
“Same for me,” his mom smiled. “If it weren’t for this illness, I wouldn’t have known that I was starting to get old too.”
“You still look very young,” Shan Yu said.
“They say you don’t age as fast when you don’t worry about your kids,” his mom said, taking a sip of wine. “I guess that’s me.”
Shan Yu fell silent, looking at the wine glass next to him, unsure of what to say.
He had always thought that his perception of his parents not caring much for him might have been a misunderstanding, but he never expected his mother to think the same way.
“Did you…” Shan Yu asked softly, “ever have any regrets?”
“Regret what? Giving birth to you?” his mom asked.
“Yeah,” Shan Yu said, looking at her.
“How could I?” his mom chuckled. “We spent two years carefully preparing to conceive you. It was because of you that I wanted to improve our family’s financial situation.”
Then why did you send me to my first aunt’s house, then my second aunt’s house…
It was too direct. He had only had two sips of wine. The sense of emptiness from years apart had just begun to dissipate. The conversation had been relatively light so far…
Shan Yu didn’t know if it was appropriate to ask this.
Although he already knew the answer to this question—his first aunt had told him, and his second aunt had told him too—he still wanted to ask, to hear it again now that he was grown up, to listen with his current mindset and emotions.
But he was facing his mother, not a friend, not a stranger, not a business rival. The faint distance that had existed since childhood made it difficult for him to find the right way to ask this question.
“Why…” Shan Yu finally used the simplest, most direct way.
“I was too busy,” his mom said.
Shan Yu understood what Chen Jian must sometimes feel when he was seen right through.
It was also in that instant that he realized he carried countless traces of his mother within him.
“I didn’t rest well after giving birth to you,” his mom took a sip of wine, closed her eyes, and paused briefly as if recalling the past. “My health was always a problem, and the company was at a critical stage. I couldn’t manage everything.”
It was similar to what he remembered, except he didn’t know his mother’s health had been poor back then.
“Your dad could only come back once a week back then,” his mom said, looking at him. “If I was on a business trip, there was no one to pick you up from kindergarten. I had to ask your first aunt to pick you up every time.”
“I don’t even remember things from kindergarten,” Shan Yu said.
“You were too young. You went to kindergarten before you were two. They almost didn’t accept you. They only agreed because you could clearly express your feelings,” his mom said. “Later on, we just had you live with your first aunt.”
“Yeah,” Shan Yu replied.
“You were always acting up, wanting to come home,” his mom said. “I’d bring you back, but then a business trip would come up in a couple of days, and I’d have to send you back. You’d start acting up again. Not a single set of cups in your first aunt’s house was whole; you smashed every single one…”
Shan Yu looked at his mom. He vaguely remembered these things, but not clearly. He only remembered wanting to go home.
And hearing these things from his mother’s mouth, he felt a sense of unfamiliarity, unsure if it was because they had almost never talked like this, or because they hadn’t seen each other for so long.
“Until one day, you suddenly stopped acting up,” his mom lowered her head in silence for a moment before looking up at him again. “I was about your age then. I didn’t know what it meant. I just felt relieved.”
“Did you not have any regrets then either?” Shan Yu asked.
“No,” his mom said, resting her forehead on her hand and looking at him. “You are very smart and handsome. With a son like you, how could I possibly have any regrets?”
“Would you for an ugly one? What about an ugly and stupid one?” Shan Yu asked again.
“I don’t know, I couldn’t have given birth to one like that,” his mom said, looking at him. “What kind of answer are you trying to get from me?”
Now it was his mom’s turn to be direct, no more beating around the bush.
“Do you really think I’m smart?” Shan Yu looked at her too. “Did you really never have any preconceived notions about me? I skipped class, got into fights, caused trouble, dropped out of school, got into trouble with the police, and finally went to prison…”
“Going to prison is different,” his mom interrupted him. “Don’t lump that in with the rest.”
Shan Yu was silent for a moment. After asking that question, he felt his courage begin to fade. His mind was a mess. If he spoke again, his logic would be chaotic, he wouldn’t be able to express himself correctly, and thus wouldn’t get a correct response.
Even though he rationally knew that a “heart-to-heart talk” with his own mother didn’t require a crystal-clear train of thought, he found it hard to truly relax and follow his emotions.
“A person like me,” Shan Yu picked up his glass, “were you really not disappointed?”
He took a sip of wine after speaking.
The alternating sourness and sweetness of the wine were swallowed down.
“I thought you would never ask that in your life,” his mom said, putting down her glass and clasping her hands.
“I thought so too,” Shan Yu said.
“You’re actually disappointed in us, aren’t you?” his mom said. “Many people only see parents being disappointed in their children, not knowing that it’s the children who are disappointed first.”
Shan Yu didn’t speak, but he lifted his lowered eyelids to look at his mom.
“From the moment you suddenly stopped making a fuss about coming home,” his mom said, “you were disappointed in us.”
Shan Yu frowned. He didn’t know. He had never thought about it.
Disappointed? In his parents?
“You always think we are disappointed in you,” his mom said, “because you are already disappointed in us. It’s hard to trust these two people who chose to hand you over to others when you needed them the most.”
The hand Shan Yu was holding the glass with trembled slightly.
He had never thought about this question. The moment he heard his mother’s words, he realized that it seemed to be true. He didn’t trust his parents.
“We are not qualified parents,” his mom said, her speech a bit slow, as if the words were difficult. “Especially in building a bond… this kind of parent-child relationship, we handled it very poorly…”
His mom’s fingers traced the side of the glass, watching a drop of condensation slide down. “When you first came home, you used to talk a lot, especially during meals. At first… it was a bit annoying. Coming home after a long day, it was hard to concentrate on what you were saying. But your dad told you to eat in silence because he suddenly discovered you had started swearing…”
“Huh?” Shan Yu was taken aback. He didn’t really remember the original reason for the “eat in silence” rule.
“He started trying to set rules for you,” his mom smiled. “Don’t talk during meals, run every day, read a book a week, practice calligraphy, and he also made you learn martial arts. Partly because you were physically weak as a child, and partly to instill some discipline in you, but… it was too rigid.”
“But I didn’t stick with any of it,” Shan Yu said, “except for the easiest one, eating in silence.”
“Because you didn’t want to talk at all by then, did you?” his mom’s hand reached over, hesitated, and then gently patted the back of his hand. “But your handwriting is very good, and you’re very good at fighting. It shows that you learned it even just by casually learning. You learn everything very quickly.”
Shan Yu glanced at his mother’s hand. He was still somewhat unfamiliar with this kind of physical contact. From as early as he could remember, he had been somewhat resistant to contact with his parents. Occasionally, when his mom hugged him, he would feel very uncomfortable.
“You guys used to…” Shan Yu looked at her, “never told me these things.”
“What things?” his mom asked.
“That my handwriting is very good, that I’m good at fighting… forget that one, that I learn things quickly, and so on,” Shan Yu said. “You never said it.”
“Is that so?” his mom seemed to be lost in memory. After a long time, she sighed. “We always thought that kind of praise would seem like we were trying to make up for something, like we were deliberately trying to please you, and it would make you resentful. We wanted to be more natural, like a normal family, to pretend that those years of missing family affection didn’t happen.”
Shan Yu turned his head away, looking at the window in the living room.
Outside was a stretch of lights, somewhat blurry, the spots of light getting smaller from near to far.
Those were individual homes, densely packed, in this corner of the world, quietly living their own lives, with their own worries and their own joys.
Shan Yu used to stand at the window for a long time, imagining what other people’s homes were like.
“Yes, we should have said it,” his mom said softly. “You are very smart. Many times I felt that you knew everything, and I even had the illusion that you didn’t need parents like us. Any attempt to control you seemed wrong, as if it would push you further away.”
“I did need it,” Shan Yu said simply, unable to find a more complex way to express it.
“Yes,” his mom nodded. “I only realized it during the two years you were sick. But by then, you had already stopped coming home. It felt as if everything had been missed.”
“I just felt that you were both very busy back then,” Shan Yu said.
“If I had to say I regret anything…” his mom thought for a moment, “starting the company would be one.”
“Don’t,” Shan Yu said, looking at her. “You are an amazing woman. It’s inherently difficult to manage both. At least when I wanted to start a money-losing company, you could give me the startup capital. Now that I want a car, you can give it to me right away.”
His mom laughed. “Is there anything else you want?”
“No, nothing,” Shan Yu said.
“I’m not trying to compensate for anything,” his mom said. “Compensation itself is… the past can’t be compensated for. I wanted to talk to you today because I felt that you might want to talk. I’ve been waiting for this opportunity for many years.”
Shan Yu smiled.
CEO Liu was still quite perceptive.
“I’m also not trying to make excuses for our past failings,” his mom stood up, got two new iced glasses, and began to mix another drink. “I just want to tell you that, although it’s late, in your parents’ hearts, you are a very smart and outstanding child.”
“Didn’t you say you were only having one glass?” Shan Yu asked.
“The one I had just now was non-alcoholic,” his mom said. “The ‘one glass’ I was talking about is this one.”
“Aren’t ours different?” Shan Yu said. “I see that both glasses are the same.”
“Yours has alcohol, mine is juice,” his mom said. “It’s to get you to speak some truth after drinking.”
Shan Yu clicked his tongue.
“Do you still want to chat with old Shan?” his mom glanced at him.
“…No need,” Shan Yu said in a low voice. “I’m… even less familiar with him. I’m afraid he’d have to prepare a lesson plan before talking to me.”
“That’s just his personality,” his mom smiled. “Sometimes I think, if our family could go back and live life over again, some things might still not change. Your dad and I would still take it for granted that your needs are the same as ours…”
“It’s fine as it is now,” Shan Yu said.
“When I saw the pathology report, I was quite scared. My first reaction was actually to tell you,” his mom said, skillfully picking up bottles one by one and pouring them into the glass. “But in the end, I didn’t. I had a feeling that, since I haven’t really done anything for you in my life, now that I’m old and sick, I’m starting to ask for things from you…”
“Mom, you should,” Shan Yu said, resting his head on the table and turning to look at her. “I didn’t really grow up all by myself.”
“You really…” his mom looked at him, “have changed a lot.”
Shan Yu quickly turned his face to the other side. The moment a tear slid down, he pressed the corner of his eye into his arm.
The second drink was probably to help him fall asleep faster. His mom made it quite strong, and the taste of alcohol even overpowered the fruitiness of the drink upon first sip.
“You might as well just put sleeping pills in it,” Shan Yu said.
“Well, it wouldn’t be appropriate to drug you to your face, would it?” his mom said.
Shan Yu’s phone beeped once.
He picked it up and looked. It was from Chen Yu Luo Yan. After a moment’s hesitation, he opened it in front of his mom.
[Chen Yu Luo Yan]: I thought about it for a long time. I don’t know how your chat is going. I was worried you might be in a bad mood. I wanted to say, maybe for many things, an answer isn’t the solution. Just having an answer is enough. You don’t necessarily need to find a solution.
It was a rare long message from Chen Jian. Shan Yu read it several times.
Finally, he put the phone on the table, closed his eyes, and let out a long breath.
“What’s wrong?” his mom asked.
Shan Yu pushed the phone, its screen still lit, in front of her.
His mom didn’t look right away. She first asked, “Should I read it forwards or backwards?”
“You can still see the earlier messages even if you read backwards, can’t you?” Shan Yu smiled.
“What an ugly sky,” his mom said, glancing at the screen. “It is ugly. I’ve wanted to say since I saw your Moments posts that your photos look like they were taken by someone with presbyopia. You just frame it and press the shutter…”
Shan Yu smiled without saying anything.
His mom didn’t say any more either. After reading the message from Chen Jian, she pushed the phone back in front of him. “This Yan’er…”
“Hey!” Shan Yu quickly interrupted her. “Chen Jian. His name is Chen Jian.”
“This kid must have cultivated in the mountains for twenty years,” his mom said.
“He…” Shan Yu was silent for a moment. “He pulled me up.”
“When I called before,” his mom thought for a moment, “was he the one who answered the phone and said he was the boss?”
“Yes,” Shan Yu couldn’t help but laugh.
“He’s very nice, this Chen…” his mom seemed to be trying to remember Chen Jian’s name.
“Jian. The ‘jian’ in ‘shan jian’ (mountain stream),” Shan Yu quickly reminded her, afraid she would remember that ‘Yan’er’ and, if she ever met him, call him Chen Yan.
That would probably be more fatal than calling him Curly.
“Don’t tell him I read his message,” his mom said. “He’ll be embarrassed.”
“Yeah,” Shan Yu nodded.
He definitely couldn’t say anything. Chen Jian got embarrassed more easily than most people.
“Go to sleep,” his mom said, glancing towards the study. “Your dad might be eavesdropping. He can’t sleep until we finish.”
“He probably can’t hear,” Shan Yu said. “He never had sharp ears, and now that he’s older, his eyes are failing and his hearing is going…”
“This drink isn’t even sixty proof,” his mom said, picking up the bottle from before and looking at it.
Shan Yu smiled. “Go to sleep.”
His mom finished the drink in her glass, patted him on the shoulder, lifted her hand, then let it fall again for another pat, before walking towards the bedroom.
His mom was also awkward in expressing affection. Those few pats felt as if she were patting her assistant.
Back in his own room, Shan Yu was dialing Chen Jian’s number as he closed the door.
“Damn,” Chen Jian answered instantly on the other end. The sound of wind came through along with his voice. “I didn’t mean for you to call me right away. I…”
“We’re done talking,” Shan Yu said.
“Really?” Chen Jian said. “What a coincidence?”
“Yeah, just that coincidental,” Shan Yu said. “Where are you?”
“At the doghouse,” Chen Jian said in a low voice. “Lao Wu was acting crazy today. He was playing with Mushroom right before bed, and now Mushroom is all excited and won’t sleep, just keeps barking. I came over to coax him to sleep, otherwise the guests will complain.”
“The manager really is… busy enough,” Shan Yu said.
“How did the chat go?” Chen Jian asked.
“I got a car. I’ll drive it back when the time comes,” Shan Yu said.
“What the hell?” Chen Jian was stunned. “Was that a mother-son heart-to-heart or a business meeting? How did you end up profiting from it…”
