“I-I-I didn’t mean to, I can’t get out, and it’s boring up here…”
Seeing Zhou Hui’s expression, which looked like he was about to roll up his sleeves and give him a good whipping, Zhang Shun immediately hugged his head and tried to slip away. But halfway through, he suddenly realized he was already the true Buddha, one of the top BOSSes in the nine heavens and ten earths. Why should he still be afraid of a beating?
So he immediately coughed, sauntered back, and said, “Wait, Comrade Zhou Hui, you should have some basic respect for the supreme religious leader of the six paths. When you see me, you should…”
With a loud bang, Zhang Shun fell forward. Zhou Hui calmly retracted his fist.
Half an hour later, on the pure gold steps at the entrance of the Buddhist hall, Zhang Shun squatted like a large monkey, holding a soft Zhonghua cigarette with tears streaming down his face.
“Since you have cigarettes,” he choked, “why don’t you have a lighter?!”
Zhou Hui: “…I quit smoking a long time ago. Just make do with the smell. Don’t cry, be good.”
Poor Second Young Master Zhang had been accustomed to a life of luxury since childhood, with fancy cars and beautiful horses. He could even call a bunch of young models and young masters back for a happy orgy. The greatest pain in his life was just being scolded by his brother while his ear was being pulled. He could be said to be one of the happiest rich second-generation kids in all of China.
Now, he had ascended to heaven and become the boss. Every day, there was nothing to eat or drink. He could only stay in the empty Buddhist hall and count his own body hair for fun. His only pleasure was watching palace drama DVDs, and they weren’t even Blu-ray.
The life of a Buddha was so bleak, it was just like this.
Zhou Hui said, “Don’t think I don’t know. You’re just like that foolish kid Shenwan Tiansi, who fantasizes about having a harem of 2D girls just from watching comics. You’re purely using a harem drama to reminisce about your decadent life as a rich second-generation. Why don’t you go down to the lower realm?”
“I can’t get down!” Zhang Shun said, on the verge of a breakdown. “You think I haven’t tried? Those old men from Mount Sumeru have sent people to guard the passage 24/7. The moment they see me, they kneel down and beg me to hurry up and go to the Western Paradise! What if another heart-demon is born? They can’t afford it! Those monks are all tall and muscular, holding vajra pestles. They stand there in a row, just like the eighteen bronze men of the Shaolin Temple!—Do you know that I had to pay a heavy bribe to Venerable Bhadra just to get these DVDs up here? Is it easy for me, a top student in biology, to be messing with a generator all day here?! You guys are eating and drinking well down there, acting all high and mighty because your relative is a Buddha. Have you ever thought about how I have no wifi, no signal up here, and I’m so thirsty for entertainment that I’ve even watched Empresses in the Palace one hundred and seventeen times?!”
“…” Zhou Hui asked, “But aren’t you supposed to be free of desires, without joy or sorrow…”
“Wine and meat pass through the intestines, but the Buddha remains in the heart. Don’t you know this? So what if I go down to the human world to experience life? Don’t think I don’t know. Back then, when my brother was kneeling and chanting scriptures for a thousand years, his mind was full of thoughts about love. If he could do it, why can’t I?!”
The divine consciousness of Zhang Shun as a Buddha had probably been thrown into some unknown dimension. The personality he had developed in his twenty-plus years of life in the human world had taken absolute dominance. Zhou Hui looked him up and down, unable to imagine him sitting on a lotus throne accepting the incense offerings of believers, and his mouth couldn’t help but twitch slightly.
“Where’s my brother?” Zhang Shun raised his head expectantly. “When will my brother hatch? When can he come and save me?”
Zhou Hui took the egg out of his pocket and said coldly, “Thanks to you, it’s here.”
Zhang Shun carefully took it, observed it from all angles for a long while, then squinted at it against the light, as if he really wanted to see what was inside the shell.
But he saw nothing after looking for a long time and had to shake his head. “I don’t know how to hatch it either. It seems that the phoenix’s jade embryo is a spiritual object of heaven and earth. When it feels it’s ready… it will just come out on its own.”
Zhou Hui asked, “Is there any way to make it feel that it’s ready now?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never hatched an egg.”
“Aren’t you a Buddha? Can’t you think of a way to solve the problem now?”
“Sister-in-law,” Zhang Shun looked at Zhou Hui seriously and said earnestly, “I’m going to give you a popular science lesson now on a common misconception that has been wrongly propagated by the fake Buddha for tens of thousands of years—the phoenix is a creation of heaven and earth, not in the same system as our Heavenly Dao Buddhism. Just like the Three Pure Ones of Taoism and the Virgin Mary of Christianity… Mary is not in the same system as us either, understand? If the Hunan Provincial Health Department issues a public document asking the Guangdong Provincial People’s Hospital to strengthen prevention and control during the flu season, do you think they will listen?”
Zhou Hui: “…”
“Strictly speaking, it’s very inappropriate to bestow the title of Wisdom King on the phoenix. It’s no different from forcibly appointing the prime minister of another country as our country’s minister of agriculture. But an extra title means an extra salary. Sister-in-law, you can go to Mount Sumeru to find Venerable Bhadra to collect the money. Just treat it as my brother’s betrothal gift…”
Zhou Hui said coldly, “Who are you calling sister-in-law?”
The two looked at each other for a moment, and Zhang Shun flinched. “…I was just kidding.”
Only then did Zhou Hui let it go, snatched the phoenix egg, and turned to leave. But before he had taken two steps, Zhang Shun frantically rushed over and hugged his leg to stop him. “Wait! Brother, you’re my real brother! Where are you going?”
“Home.”
“Don’t go! Stay and talk with me for a while! I’ll let you watch Empresses in the Palace! Can I help you hatch the egg?”
Zhou Hui said, “No, no, no, Buddha, you’re a big kid now. You need to learn to leave home and take care of yourself. Human children at your age… What are you doing! Let go of me! Indecent assault!”
Zhou Hui struggled to pry Zhang Shun off his thigh, but in a flash, Zhang Shun pounced again, wailing. In the struggle, with a rip—, Zhou Hui’s pant leg was torn in half.
Zhang Shun: “…”
Zhou Hui: “…”
Zhou Hui was furious. “Zhang Shun! I go up to the Formless Heaven to visit a prisoner, and my pants rip on the way down. What will people say when they see it! How am I supposed to explain this to your brother later! You foolish kid!” He said, turning to leave.
Zhang Shun howled and pounced, “Don’t go! Stay and talk with me for a while! Do you know how lonely, empty, and cold this damn place is? Why didn’t I feel this way before? Why could I stay here for tens of thousands of years without even thinking of running away before?!”
Zhou Hui said, “Don’t be ridiculous. If you dare to run again, be careful the eighteen arhats don’t break your legs…”
“Then take me with you, I beg you! Don’t think I don’t know you once threatened to beat up those monks from Mount Sumeru. You’re so arrogant. Be careful, or I’ll hit you with an Armstrong Cyclone Jet Nine Heavens Divine Briliant Thunder Tribulation when we get out…”
A Buddha and a demon were pulling and tugging in the Formless Heaven, pulling at clothes and pant legs, their behavior quite uncivilized. Zhou Hui held onto his belt with one hand to prevent his pants from being pulled off, and with the other hand, he put his palms together in a standard bow. “Your Holiness the Buddha, you have misunderstood. I have now abandoned evil and embraced good, and I am grateful for the Buddhist teachings. I swear I will never touch a single hair of those monks from Mount Sumeru again… Let go of me! That’s your brother’s egg! Be careful not to drop it!”
“Ouch!”
With a thud, in the chaos, the phoenix egg slipped and fell to the ground, rolling forward.
“The egg! My brother’s egg!”
“That’s your brother’s embryo. Egg usually refers to a man’s…” Zhou Hui was utterly confused. He kicked off and ran to pick up the egg, but in his haste, he was jostled by Zhang Shun, who was also pouncing to pick up the egg.
In those few seconds, the phoenix egg, as if with a divine knowledge, rolled along the path Zhou Hui had come, straight to the edge of the passage.
That was the passage that led directly to hell’s Mount Buzhou, which had been reopened at some unknown time.
Zhang Shun suddenly realized something, his face changing drastically. “—Quick, quick! Go get it back!”
Zhou Hui ran like a madman, his whole person like a sharp arrow released from a bowstring, but it was already too late.
The next second, the phoenix egg gently fell into the passage.
Zhou Hui: “…”
Zhang Shun: “…”
The two looked at each other, as if struck by lightning. Time seemed to stand still for a moment, and they both saw in each other’s eyes the tragic scene of a broken eggshell and yellow yolk spilling all over the ground.
“You stay up here!” Zhou Hui was the first to react. He quickly leaped towards the passage.
Zhang Shun ran to the edge of the passage and looked at the bizarre, otherworldly scene inside with great struggle.
Based on past experience, as long as he jumped down, he would be directly teleported to Mount Sumeru, and then the eighteen bronze men of the Shaolin Temple would stand in front of him, kneel down in unison with a roar, and shout, “Please enjoy bliss in the Formless Heaven, Your Holiness the Buddha!”…
But since even Zhou Hui had come, did that mean the direction of the passage had changed?
To jump, or not to jump?
If he went back to Mount Sumeru to face those old monks again, he would surely be nagged to death in this outfit. Maybe the old monks, under stimulation, would have a backlash, chant scriptures and perform rituals to drive out his personality, and replace it with his divinity. Then he would really become a golden Buddha who sat motionless and enjoyed bliss…
But if the direction of the passage had really changed, then this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
As long as he stuck with that hell demon Zhou Hui, the people from Mount Sumeru would probably not dare to nag too much. Then he could hide in the human world for a few dozen or a hundred years before coming back…
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. How can you catch a rogue without sacrificing your wife? Zhang Shun looked at the passage that symbolized freedom, gritted his teeth, hardened his heart, and jumped!
The next moment, the wind whistled in his ears. The feeling of weightlessness made his vision go black. In the displacement of space, time seemed to be stretched and then frozen, and then there was a bang!
In hell, at Mount Buzhou, Zhang Shun fell on the damp, rugged ground of the valley, his butt hurting as if it had been split into eight pieces.
He looked around at the dark red bushes and the light gray demonic mist, almost unable to believe his good luck.
“Zhou… Zhou Hui!” Zhang Shun staggered to his feet, pushed aside the bushes, and shouted, “Zhou Hui! How’s my brother?!”
Zhang Shun’s voice stopped abruptly. Not far away, the huge demon’s eye of hell covered the entire valley, emitting a faint, bloody red halo. On the huge, protruding rock at the edge of the demon’s eye, Zhou Hui stood motionless, his back to him, his expression unreadable.
“Zhou Hui! What’s wrong? My brother’s egg isn’t broken, is it?!”
Zhang Shun jumped out of the bushes, crossed the valley, which was particularly slippery due to the mist, ran behind Zhou Hui, and stopped with a stagger. He looked up and was instantly stunned.
The phoenix egg had fallen on a sharp rock at the edge of the demon’s eye and had already cracked. The crack was constantly extending and expanding from that opening. With a slight yet unusually clear cracking sound, it was about to break open.
“…” Zhang Shun’s voice was even trembling. “Zhou-Zhou-Zhou-Zhou-Zhou Hui, it-it-it-it’s going to break…”
Zhou Hui stared at the continuously cracking egg, unable to see anything else. His mind was a complete blank, his breathing had completely stopped, and his heart was pounding against his throat, so violently that it even brought a sharp, choking pain.
Crack.
Crack.
The eggshell cracked piece by piece, and fine powder fell to the ground. The crack grew larger and larger.
A few short seconds felt as long as a century. In the almost suffocating stillness, the eggshell made a clear, crisp sound.
At that moment, in the valley, in the jungle, and in the depths of the endless mountain ranges in the distance, a clear cry rang out, as if ten thousand birds were singing at the same time, spreading their wings and rushing up into the clouds. Then, a five-colored rosy light descended from the heavens and the earth, and the sound of Buddhist chants and golden bells rang out in unison. A huge, pure energy impact, with the phoenix’s jade embryo as its center, spread out in all directions. In a few seconds, it even suppressed the boiling sea of blood in the distance into a ten-thousand-li plane.
In the nine heavens and ten earths, all things bowed their heads.
In the world, only this unique phoenix jade embryo remained, blooming with a lotus-like, multi-layered halo, and then it shattered into tens of thousands of pieces!
Everything that had been displayed before Sakyamuni tens of thousands of years ago was now completely re-enacted before Zhou Hui’s eyes.
The next moment, celestial music resounded through the nine heavens, and the light suddenly receded!
In the lingering halo, a small silhouette vaguely appeared. Zhou Hui, almost trembling violently, took half a step forward, his knees gave way, and he knelt on one knee.
“Chirp—chirp chirp… chirp—”
A wet little chick stood in the shattered eggshell, its whole body golden-red, its plumes sparse. It looked at the world with round, bright black eyes, filled with innocent confusion.
It tilted its head, shook its small wings covered in downy feathers, and then saw Zhou Hui, who was closest to it.
“…”
Zhou Hui opened his mouth but couldn’t say a word. After a long while, he finally made a sound that was so hoarse it was almost strange. “Phoe… Phoenix…”
The little phoenix was motionless, staring at this handsome man with a demonic aura, the first thing it saw after its birth. After a long moment, it took a trembling step forward and fell out of the half eggshell with a splat.
Zhou Hui had forgotten everything. He didn’t even think to reach out and help it. When he finally reacted a few seconds later, the little phoenix had already struggled to its feet, stumbled, half-flying and half-falling, and rushed to Zhou Hui, spreading its still-damp little wings towards him. “Chirp—”
As if in a dream, Zhou Hui reached out his hand, and the little phoenix immediately toddled onto his palm and curled up into a fluffy ball.
“Phoenix…” Zhou Hui murmured, his lips even trembling violently as he spoke.
“You… you’re back, my phoenix…”
The little phoenix snuggled in Zhou Hui’s palm, gently rubbing his rough palm lines with its tender red beak.
Zhou Hui lowered his head and kissed its round little body. Hot tears streamed down his cheeks, soaking the soft, fine downy feathers on its body. The little phoenix seemed to feel a little uncomfortable, but it still stayed obediently still, rubbing its head against Zhou Hui’s tear-soaked face, as if it were a gentle caress full of affection.
“I… I missed you so much,” Zhou Hui choked.
“Welcome back, my dear phoenix.”
