During the National Day Golden Week, tens of millions of tourists flooded into Jincheng. Not only were famous scenic spots packed, but even Little Fish Park was full of people. Zhuang Ningyu took just one look from the window into the distance before firmly drawing the curtains. He turned to the person and the dog on the sofa and said, “We are going nowhere today.”
The person was Yi Ke, who naturally had no objection. Not going out is good. Only by staying in can I lie at home and admire my wife’s beauty without distractions.
The dog was U-Key (U-Dun). It was temporarily fostered here recently and was currently standing with its head held high, biting its own harness and leash. Yi Ke patted its back: “Sit down, you’ve already been walked twice today.”
U-Key took a deep breath, but before it could express its feelings, it received a “bong” punch on the head. Its arrogance vanished instantly, and it tucked its tail and burrowed back onto the sofa cushion. Having stayed here for two weeks, it had gained a very full understanding of who the real master of this house was. It even only picked Yi Ke’s LV slippers to chew on, while avoiding Zhuang Ningyu’s 29.9 yuan free shipping indoor silent high-end men’s slippers as much as possible.
As for why U-Key was fostered, the main reason was that Auntie Liu wasn’t in Jincheng recently. She and her husband went abroad for business, leaving only a son, a daughter, and a dog at home to practice the separation of powers. With the power of one dog, U-Key monopolized the legislative, executive, and judicial powers, instantly regressing the political civilization of the home back to absolute monarchy. It ran with all four paws in the air in the empty luxury villa, completely ignoring the hysterical “U-Key, stop” behind it, until finally, it crashed headfirst into the staircase handrail—the fair-weather friend crashed, the dog didn’t. The dog crashed into the Austrian Crystal Chandelier VIII.
Members of the Super Perfect Human Praise Group offered suggestions one after another: Just change to a ceiling light.
The fair-weather friend did not accept this. He purchased Austrian Crystal Chandelier IX and discussed crime and punishment, good and evil, light and darkness, depravity and redemption with Zhuang Ningyu for an hour. Suffering is a purification of the spirit, and the soul will eventually bloom an unfading flower on the scarred body.
Fair-weather friend: “What exactly are the heavy shackles binding humanity?”
Zhuang Ningyu: “How about I foster it for you for a couple of days.”
Fair-weather friend: “Okay, okay, okay.”
U-Key, having changed to a new environment, didn’t have an Austrian crystal chandelier to crash into, so it chose to crash into Yi Ke. At 3 AM, a twenty-jin (10kg) big dog fell from the sky. Yi Ke clutched his fragile ribs, eyes filled with tears, leaning against his wife’s chest. It hurts, need to kiss for two hours to heal. Zhuang Ningyu circled the tall, handsome guy with one arm to comfort him, while ordering a windbreaker, trekking poles, and a 30L outdoor backpack on his phone with the other. The 24-hour store delivery was fast. At 5 AM, Zhuang Ningyu, fully equipped, appeared at the foot of Qingquan Mountain leading the dog.
After a week of such high-intensity walking, U-Key finally felt a trace of exhaustion and panic amidst the joy. On the morning of the eighth day, it lay in its nest playing dead. Its bark changed from “werwer” to “yingyingying” (whining), its claws clinging desperately to Yi Ke, terrified of being dragged by Zhuang Ningyu to climb mountains again.
Supreme authority was established just like that. The fair-weather friend was incredulous at first until he saw the photo of Zhuang Ningyu carrying an outdoor backpack in his left hand, holding a safety rope in his right, and carrying U-Key on his shoulder while climbing a vertical cliff ladder.
“…”
The second group anthem of the Super Perfect Human Praise Group was quickly put on the agenda, further sublimating the theme from mere praise of beauty to a dual affirmation of beauty and capability. The group owner did not stop this because he wanted to listen to it too. As for whether he would be beaten up for this in the future, no, wifey loves me.
Zhuang Ningyu asked: “What are you laughing at?”
Yi Ke exited the group chat page: “Nothing, I’m not laughing.”
Zhuang Ningyu couldn’t be bothered to ask more. He shifted while holding U-Key, found a comfortable position, and continued watching TV. The news and the view outside the window were filled with crowds of holiday tourists. Every major street on the map app was red to the point of purple. Famous hotpot restaurants had wait times starting at two hundred tables. Yi Ke once again sighed that his wife’s decision to stay home was extremely wise. So he picked up the obstructing dog, threw it onto the carpet, wrapped his arms around Zhuang Ningyu’s waist, pulled him into his arms, and lowered his head to kiss him.
The doorbell rang tactlessly “ding ding dong dong,” composing a messy movement together with U-Key, who was “werwer”-ing in protest of being thrown off the sofa. Yi Ke, filled with resentment from the noise, took a deep breath, got up, and walked in slippers to open the door: “Who… Grandma, why are you here?”
Within three seconds, Zhuang Ningyu on the sofa completed a series of decent procedures including sitting up straight, tidying his clothes, and arranging the cushions. He stood up and greeted obediently: “Hello, Grandma.”
Yi Ke’s grandma was named Zheng Ruolan, who lived in Switzerland all year round. The family thought she was leisurely enjoying a happy old age knitting sweaters in the Alps until one day the family inexplicably received a “Vertical Cross-Country Race” trophy from Tokyo, Japan. Ms. Deng, who was happily applying a face mask, glanced at it. Her first reaction was what kind of high-end Southeast Asian scam is this again, and hurried to throw it out. Yi Yue cooperated and picked up the box, only for a certificate to flutter out spinning. Yi Ke picked it up, glanced at the name on it, and three question marks slowly appeared above his head.
Half an hour later, the whole family gathered together, staring at the silver-haired old lady driving an off-road vehicle on the computer screen, falling into a long silence. While pinching her philtrum vigorously, Deng Zongyun made calls everywhere. Her powerful network allowed her to receive hundreds of photos within a week, including but not limited to kayaking, skiing, skydiving, and cliff mountain biking. It was said that once she even wanted to try wingsuit jumping from a helicopter.
Yi Guodong looked at his wife and asked cautiously: “Does Dad know about this?”
Deng Zongyun picked up a photo and pointed at the old man in a suit in the audience, grinning and applauding enthusiastically: “What do you think?”
Yi Guodong: “…”
The old couple’s later life was overly exciting. Zhuang Ningyu was used to his own gentle and kind textbook version of a grandma, so he was amazed by Yi Ke’s punk old lady. Before long, the two developed a deep friendship and even planned to find a holiday to go rock climbing together.
Yi Ke: “Not allowed to go!”
Zhuang Ningyu turned a deaf ear. Whether to go or not, discuss later.
Besides loving adventure, Grandma also loved buying things for the family. Ms. Deng’s vigorous shopping desire was 100% inherited from this. This time, she came to this small home to bring things for her two grandsons. Zhuang Ningyu went to the kitchen to make tea. Grandma sat on the sofa, reached out to pat U-Key’s sleek and broad back, and praised sincerely: “This dog is raised really sturdily.”
The light of hope ignited in U-Key’s eyes. Taking advantage of Yi Ke and Zhuang Ningyu being in the kitchen, it slid off the sofa silently, went to the corner of the room to pick up its harness and leash, and just like that, wagging its tail, abducted Grandma out the door. An ordinary seventy-year-old lady might not be able to walk a strong Beagle in its prime, but an extraordinary lady could. So Yi Ke didn’t stop them, only reminding them not to go to places with too many tourists.
There was a beautifully packaged shopping bag by the sofa. Zhuang Ningyu asked curiously: “What is it?”
The range of gifts Grandma gave was as wide as the Pacific Ocean. Since she returned to Jincheng, the two had successively received a mountaineering picture album, a sapphire, an Italian glass craft, a bag of local specialty whole wheat flower rolls, a painting from an auction house, and a bottle of French red wine with a good vintage. This time, Yi Ke opened the packaging and took out two “Pure Natural Magnetic Therapy Far Infrared Selenium-Enriched Health Water Cups” priced at 5888.
The long-dormant soul of the Dispute Mediation Department was awakened. Zhuang Ningyu instantly dreamed back to the 80,000 yuan old-pit jadeite. Yi Ke was also greatly shocked: “How could my grandma fall for this kind of scam?”
He called his mother on the spot. Ms. Deng accepted this quite well. Buy it if she wants. Buying some selenium-enriched water cups and jade mattresses is better than going to some Red Rock Canyon in the US to participate in some bouldering challenge. She said: “I even took the initiative to say that since drinking water from this cup, my whole mental state is different. You two remember to say the same when the time comes.”
Yi Ke hesitated to speak: “Mom, this logic of yours—”
Zhuang Ningyu sat at the dining table propping his head with one hand, seriously thinking about how to popularize common scam models to the vast number of elderly people in a more easy-to-understand way in current community work. After thinking for a full hour, he still felt this matter couldn’t just be let go, so he decided to beat around the bush first.
After the call connected, the sound of navigation came from the receiver. Zhuang Ningyu asked tentatively: “You are not in the park?”
Grandma said cheerfully: “There are too many people in the park, I took it somewhere else for a walk.”
“Then come back early.” Yi Ke took the phone and said seriously, “When you come back, we need to hold an emergency… hiss, nothing. Come back for dinner, the two of us will cook personally tonight.”
Grandma agreed. After ending the call, she continued holding U-Key and directed the driver: “Yes, yes, yes, just stop at the entrance of the Oasis Grand Hotel ahead.”
The entrance of the Oasis Grand Hotel was decorated with lanterns and festoons, but not to celebrate the birthday of the motherland. Several workers were stepping on ladders to dismantle billboards. Community police and community staff sat behind the reception desk. Seeing this silver-haired lady getting out of the car with a dog, they immediately went up to greet her, asking if she was here to attend the “5th Selenium Light of Hope Life Health International Forum.”
Looking at the setup in front of her, Ms. Zheng Ruolan was slightly confused at first, then suddenly figured it out. Her self-esteem made her take two steps back on the spot and say calmly: “No.”
The community police obviously didn’t believe her and vigorously invited her to enter and listen to the special lecture on fraud prevention for the elderly. Even after being refused, they didn’t give up, forcibly stuffing her with two free-range eggs printed with anti-fraud slogans and a brochure before letting her back into the car.
The driver turned and asked: “Grandma, are we going home now?”
“Not going back.” Grandma pinched U-Key’s mouth and dialed a number saved in her phone: “Xiao Liu ah, why do the police at the entrance of this hotel say you are scammers?”
The person on the other end of the phone was silent for a moment. No matter how I hear this, it sounds like sarcasm. Just as he was about to hang up, he heard the other side say again: “Could it be fake police sent by competitors?”
MLM staff Xiao Liu: “…Ah yes yes yes!”
Five minutes later, Xiao Liu said beamingly: “Grandma Zheng, don’t worry. Although our health forum was messed up by black-hearted competitors, there is another event today. It’s the Longevity Villa Selenium-Enriched Three-Day Health Tour, including food and accommodation, guaranteed not to cost you a penny. The tour bus is ready to depart now. Where are you? I’ll have the driver pick you up in a Mercedes!”
…
At 6 PM, Yi Ke called the driver: “Where are you?”
The driver answered truthfully: “Little President Yi, I’ve already got off work and gone home.”
Yi Ke was baffled: “You’ve already gone home?”
Driver: “Yes, Grandma went to participate in an event at Longevity Villa and said she didn’t need me to accompany her.”
Zhuang Ningyu turned his head sharply with a “swish”.
Longevity Villa, this godforsaken place appeared on Jincheng local livelihood programs almost every once in a while. Ten out of ten times, it was related to various pyramid schemes and scams specifically targeting the elderly. After hearing the whole story, Zhuang Ningyu untied his apron, threw the car keys to Yi Ke, without a shred of hesitation: “Go!”
“Go is fine.” Yi Ke hurriedly changed shoes and pressed the elevator button. “But let’s agree first, act covertly, try not to make the news.” Although making the news could be suppressed, it was best not to go through that process.
Zhuang Ningyu nodded: “I know.” For highly sensitive, high self-esteem elderly people who refuse to admit they are old, he had his own set of skilled work processes and persuasion techniques.
The car drove on the ring road expressway after nightfall. Because it coincided with the long holiday, the traffic volume was huge, and speed couldn’t be picked up. To make matters worse, no one answered Grandma’s phone. The journey, which usually took only an hour, took a full two hours this time. When the two finally arrived with difficulty, before the car even stopped steadily, they heard a burst of noisy exclamations and screams from not far away, even mixed with cries of “Help”!
Yi Ke’s expression changed. Without time to think much, he and Zhuang Ningyu strode wildly toward the source of the sound. Ahead was a brightly lit banquet hall. The luxurious and imposing golden doors were closed tightly. Yi Ke kicked them open with a “bang”. In the swaying and confusing light and shadow, they saw U-Key riding the crystal chandelier on the ceiling, whistling “werwerwer” as it came!
…And whistled “werwerwer” as it went.
The host in formal wear didn’t have time to care about the crazy dog swinging on the swing, screaming with a cracked voice into the microphone: “Call the police quickly!”
Amidst the chaos, Zhuang Ningyu spotted Grandma herself at a glance. At this moment, she was suppressing a man in a suit with a very standard grappling posture, directing another old lady next to her to dial 110.
Police cars soon whistled in, taking everyone at the scene away in a package deal. The cause and effect of the matter were completely restored in statement after statement. The emotional dinner of the MLM organization was halfway through, and just as they were preparing to take out the POS machine for the uncles and aunties to swipe their cards on the spot, the microphone was snatched away. The “Health Lecture Hall” instantly turned into a legal science popularization. Ms. Zheng Ruolan spoke with sonorous tones, waving one hand, popularizing the law on the spot: MLM organizations use means such as fabricating the therapeutic effects of health products, exaggerating effects, or impersonating experts to make the elderly fall into misconceptions, and purchasing products based on these misconceptions meets the constituent elements of fraud. Everyone must not be deceived!
Chaos began from there. Seeing the situation was bad, several security guards immediately pounced fiercely to snatch back the microphone, but were tripped by the silver-haired old lady with a sweeping kick on the spot. The next moment, the big crystal chandelier in the middle of the lobby swung crazily. No one knew how the dog got up to the sky, but the dog indeed got up to the sky. The lamp beads smashed “cracklingly” like hail in all directions. Within the progressively magnificent orchestral music of Shostakovich’s Waltz No. 2, all the old men and women hid under the tables in panic. Just a few dozen seconds later, only Ms. Zheng and her dog remained standing tall at the scene.
Yi Ke applauded sincerely in the police station.
This matter eventually made the news, but Grandma was very satisfied with this because she did not appear in the report as a victim. Instead, she was a wild overlord flower who, relying on her sharp brain, discovered problems in time, did not hesitate to put herself in the game, pretended to be deceived, first spent money to buy eight selenium-enriched water cups at a discounted unit price of 1888 to gain trust, then went to Longevity Villa to secretly record the entire brainwashing process of the MLM organization, and finally personally captured the organization head and handed him over to the police.
U-Key also became famous along with her, becoming the only officially designated mascot of the “Jincheng Special Action Against MLM and Fraud.” Auntie Liu Yihua was overjoyed upon hearing the news—how did he even get a government position? So, upon returning to Jincheng after finishing work, the first thing she did was dress up personally and take her precious son to participate in a government event—resulting in paying the organizer for a chandelier that very day.
Yi Ke couldn’t figure it out: “Why does it like chandeliers so much?”
Zhuang Ningyu lay on the sofa: “Because you like them too.”
Yi Ke: “When did I ever like chandeliers?” Don’t slander me.
Yi Ke: “Besides, even if I like them, it doesn’t equal the dog liking them.”
Yi Ke: “What are you laughing at!”
Zhuang Ningyu mimicked him: “I didn’t laugh.”
“You laughed.” Yi Ke pressed his whole body over. “Go, back to the bedroom to accept hubby’s education.”
Zhuang Ningyu cupped his face with both hands: “The living room is fine too.”
Yi Ke paused slightly, colorful small fireworks setting off in his brain. What is joy falling from the sky? My wife has really been… lately. But he still tried his best to look mature and calm, asking softly in a charming voice: “Why in the living room?”
Zhuang Ningyu answered: “Because the living room has the crystal chandelier you like.”
Yi Ke broke character in a second, headbutting his chest, then viciously picked up the person trembling with laughter and walked towards the bedroom.
Zhuang Ningyu stopped him: “No, tomorrow I still have to… Mmph.”
Yi Ke threw the person on the bed, leaning over to kiss him heavily. Feeling the compliance of the person beneath him, he slightly lightened his movements. Lips and tongues entangled lingeringly and gently, only separating after a long time. Yi Ke rubbed his face with the back of his fingers, asking lovingly: “What are you doing tomorrow?”
Zhuang Ningyu said: “Buying a crystal chandelier.”
Yi Ke: “?”
Zhuang Ningyu: “I really… wait… mmph mmph mmph!”
Yi Ke didn’t give him another chance to speak.
Rebellion against heaven.
The wall lamp melted into a blurred shadow in the lovemaking.
Zhuang Ningyu thought weakly, I really am going to buy a crystal chandelier.
Austrian Crystal Chandelier IX only reigned for a short fifteen days. Auntie Liu insisted that this was definitely not the dog’s problem, but the lamp’s quality was poor. So she decided to go to the furniture city personally to choose Chandelier X, and also bring U-Key along. Her biological son turned pale with fright upon hearing this. He didn’t want to pay for the chandeliers of an entire furniture city, so he dead or alive dragged the reliable and safe Brother Zhuang into the shopping team.
Facts proved he didn’t judge wrong, because even though Zhuang Ningyu had something come up temporarily and couldn’t get away, he sent Yi Ke to the entrance of the furniture city on time to help walk the dog. The fair-weather friend was both grateful and puzzled about this: “Brother Zhuang is too busy to get away, how come you have time to accompany my mom shopping?”
Yi Ke threw the dog leash into his hand dashingly.
Fair-weather friend: “I was wrong, I was wrong!”
Yi Ke took back the dog leash and followed Auntie Liu shopping in a very good mood, incidentally reminiscing about his fragrant wife before leaving the house in the morning.
The fair-weather friend asked warily: “What does this sudden smile of yours represent?”
Yi Ke put his arm around his shoulder and answered from the bottom of his heart: “It represents that I really like crystal chandeliers.”
