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Chapter 40: I don’t want pity and gratitude.
“Why did they set up a shed downstairs?” Xie Zijing peered out from the balcony. “I didn’t see it last time I was here.”
Qin Ge was in the kitchen, cutting fruits, and he poked his head out to respond, “Children’s Day is coming, and there are a lot of kids in the neighborhood. They want to organize a charity market.”
Xie Zijing couldn’t help but think of one thing: it seemed like it had been a long time since he last visited Qin Ge. He calculated in his mind, and it had been a full five days. Five days! He thought, five whole days, and if I had planted some small onions, the sprouts would have grown by now.
“What’s the secret you want to talk about?” Qin Ge walked to the balcony with a bowl of peeled white loquats, furrowing his brow slightly. “You’ve been avoiding this topic all the way.”
Xie Zijing smiled and picked up a loquat, placing it in his mouth.
Qin Ge said, “Spit out the pit.”
Xie Zijing ate half of it in one bite, propped his elbows on the railing, and rolled the two loquat pits in his mouth while deep in thought.
Since it was a secret, it must be difficult to reveal. Qin Ge didn’t press him. He was interested in the past that Xie Zijing wanted to talk about, and he also knew what that bouquet of flowers meant—hidden in Xie Zijing’s “sea area,” in the last closed drawer, the bouquet of sunflowers, yellow roses, and green carnations remained fresh.
After finishing half a bowl of loquats in one go, Xie Zijing showed a satisfied expression, rubbed his stomach, and took the bowl into the house.
Summer had arrived, with longer days and shorter nights. The cottonwood seeds had disappeared, and the city was lush with greenery. Two birds chased each other into the treetops, and the leaves rustled constantly. The evening sunlight filtered through the gaps between buildings, casting a distant glow on Qin Ge’s face.
“I first saw you at the Special Human Skills Competition.” Xie Zijing leaned against the glass door and scratched his head. “I was in my third year of high school, participating in the high school division as a sentinel. You were in junior high, right? I’m not sure, but I know you were in the guide team, and your name was Yang Ge.”
Qin Ge: “…”
It had been so long! Qin Ge was momentarily speechless. Xie Zijing had a photo of him in his “sea area,” right there on the table. It was from the time when he participated in the junior high skills competition, and he remembered every detail of the gold medal, both the front and back engravings.
It was Qin Ge’s first time representing the region in a competition, and he was very excited. He remembered many details vividly even now, such as the out-of-control even-toed ungulate spirit that ran around the stadium, the irritable sentinel who maintained order in the venue, and his gray, fat wolf. It was his last carefree and joyful moment before experiencing a major upheaval in his life, one he had recalled countless times in solitude, but Xie Zijing had never appeared in those memories.
Seeing Qin Ge lost in his memories for a while without saying a word, Xie Zijing knew he couldn’t remember.
“You’ve forgotten about me.” He pretended to be angry, reaching out to pinch Qin Ge’s face, but Qin Ge dodged it. “You even gave me a bouquet of flowers.”
“I know about that bouquet of flowers,” Qin Ge saw Xie Zijing’s eyes light up and hurriedly explained, “I saw it in your ‘sea area.’ That bouquet wasn’t anything special. Didn’t everyone who went up to receive awards in that competition get one?”
Xie Zijing said, “I didn’t.”
Qin Ge: “How is that possible…”
He suddenly stopped talking, and a strange expression gradually appeared on his face.
The crowded sports stadium, the deafening cheers and applause, the commentator’s voice alternating with music on the broadcast, sentinels and guides patrolling the venue, and not a single cloud in the sky, as blue as the endless summer in Yuanyuantan. Colorful confetti and ribbons fluttered on the award podium, and a sentinel jumped from the highest point of the podium, with the gold medal on their chest reflecting a dazzling sunlight.
“…It’s you,” Qin Ge couldn’t believe it, “you’re the senior without flowers!”
Xie Zijing leaned his head against the glass door, nodding. The twilight illuminated half of his face, and his eyes, glistening with a hint of tears, seemed to hide sighs and gratitude. To prevent his emotions from being read by Qin Ge, he quickly looked away. “Yes… it was me.”
Without any hints, Qin Ge would have never been able to recall Xie Zijing.
In his memories, Xie Zijing was like a reporter doing post-game interviews, like one of the countless people in the audience. Qin Ge had just passed by him, leaving no impression for later retrieval.
At that time, Qin Ge and his classmates had finished their reporter interviews and were walking back to their team through a gap in front of the award podium.
The sunlight was too intense, and something caught Qin Ge’s eye momentarily. It was a sentinel who had just jumped down from the award podium, swinging his gold medal.
“Wow, Yang Ge, it’s him!” His partner tugged at him. “The senior who broke the high school division sentinel record!”
In reality, Qin Ge and his team were not from the same school as this sentinel. Apart from “senior,” they didn’t know how to address the young man in front of them. They only knew he was the champion in the high school sentinel division. Qin Ge was eager to return to his team and call his parents to share the good news. He mumbled in agreement and continued walking. At that moment, two teachers carrying cameras rushed toward them.
“Don’t move, don’t move! Let’s take a solo photo first.”
The “senior” was glancing in Qin Ge’s direction when the teacher took the photo. After taking the picture, the teacher frowned and looked up. “Where’s your flower? You don’t look good without a flower in the picture.”
“I just gave it to someone else,” the young sentinel scratched his nose. “Someone asked me if they could kiss me, but I said no and gave them the flower. You can kiss this instead.”
The teacher said, “You… well! That flower was specially designed for this year’s competition. Its colors match the gold medal, uniforms, and competition logo. Without the flower, it’s not perfect.”
The passage was narrow, and Qin Ge and his classmates were blocked by the two. Qin Ge still had a bouquet of flowers in his hand. After hearing the teacher’s words, he handed it to the sentinel directly.
“I have one here,” he said. “You can take this, senior.”
And just like that, the bouquet of flowers moved from Qin Ge’s hand to the sentinel’s hand.
“Thank you.” the sentinel held the flowers and kept staring at him. “What’s your name?”
Qin Ge formed a “thumbs-up” with his index and middle fingers, lightly tapped his temple, and thought he looked cool as he smirked, “Lei Feng.”
The sentinel and the teacher both laughed. Then Qin Ge was immediately dragged away by his classmates, who were shouting that it was embarrassing. They ran back to their team, and along the way, Qin Ge didn’t look back.
It was just a trivial matter, and this simple gesture hadn’t left a deep impression in his memory. However, Qin Ge now realized that the picture frame on Xie Zijing’s table didn’t contain a photograph, but rather the impression Xie Zijing had of him when he handed over that bouquet of flowers.
The things he had forgotten had become Xie Zijing’s precious treasure, sealed in that small and precarious “sea area.”
Xie Zijing reached out again to pinch Qin Ge’s face, and this time, Qin Ge didn’t dodge.
“You forgot,” Xie Zijing said. “You never remembered me.”
Qin Ge thought, how could I remember? To him, the Xie Zijing of that day was just a passerby.
Xie Zijing leaned down and kissed his forehead, hesitated for a moment, and then gently kissed the tip of Qin Ge’s nose.
“I’m sorry,” Qin Ge said softly. “I’ll remember from now on.”
Xie Zijing suddenly became emotional. His eyes welled up with tears, and he hugged Qin Ge tightly, burying his face in Qin Ge’s shoulder and taking deep breaths. Qin Ge immediately held him and gently patted his back.
“…After the skills competition, it was summer vacation.” Xie Zijing’s hoarse voice carried a hint of suppressed nasal congestion. “I received an acceptance letter from New Hope. My dad was thrilled, and he planned a trip for us. My mom said she had a friend working in Lhasa, so we decided to go.”
Qin Ge was stunned.
That summer vacation had been the darkest and most unforgettable time of his life.
“In our itinerary, there was the Jiwu Temple.” Xie Zijing didn’t dare to look up and didn’t release his tight grip on Qin Ge’s arms.
Qin Ge patted his shoulder. “Xie Zijing… What do you mean? Explain it clearly. Look at me!”
Xie Zijing didn’t have the courage to meet Qin Ge’s gaze. He covered his face with one hand and leaned against the railing. After a long pause, he spoke in a low voice.
“Since I knew your parents had an accident near Luquan after the Jiwu Temple incident, I’ve been hesitating. I wanted to tell you that I might know something, but I can’t remember it. Qin Ge, I’m scared. I’m a coward… I was afraid you’d ask me to reveal the secrets in my ‘sea area.’ I didn’t like it… so I didn’t say anything.”
Qin Ge firmly pulled his hand away, looking directly at Xie Zijing. “Why are you willing to talk about it now? Is it because you know that Bai Xiaoyuan and Tang Cuo are also related to the Luquan incident?”
Xie Zijing nodded.
“I’m sorry.” He held Qin Ge’s hand, but because he still didn’t have the courage to face Qin Ge directly, he used his hand to cover his eyes. “I’m sorry… I must know something, and those memories might be right outside the room. But I’m really scared… my ‘sea area’ is too scary, too disgusting. I’m sorry… I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t dare. I couldn’t sleep every day, thinking about these things.”
It was only when he found out that the Luquan incident was related to Bai Xiaoyuan and Tang Cuo that he learned they never gave up investigating the truth.
“The truth might be in my head.”
Qin Ge’s palm was wet, and Xie Zijing was in tears.
“I’m sorry,” he kept apologizing.
“Xie Zijing, look at me,” Qin Ge said. “If you don’t look at me, I won’t talk to you anymore.”
Xie Zijing loosened his grip, and he first lowered his head to wipe his face before daring to look up. Qin Ge moved closer to him, kissing his chin, his lips grazing over the tear-stained cheeks.
“…I was wrong,” Xie Zijing said through the challenging moments between kisses.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Qin Ge leaned in, his voice as urgent as a breath, flowing out between their lips and tongues as he whispered, “Who said your ‘sea area’ is disgusting? Was it Lu Qinglai?”
This time, Xie Zijing finally didn’t avoid the question. He nodded.
“Professor Lu is right. No one’s ‘sea area’ is like mine… It’s not normal.”
“The abnormal one is Lu Qinglai.” Qin Ge cradled Xie Zijing’s face, wishing he could pry open his mind and remove all the things that Lu Qinglai had implanted. He looked at Xie Zijing and said firmly, “Your ‘sea area’ is not disgusting, and you are not disgusting. Someone will like you, like me, like Bai Xiaoyuan and Tang Cuo. Xie Zijing, the world is so much better with you in it. You know I don’t like Gao Tianyue, but the one thing I’m grateful to him for is bringing you to the adjustment department, where I got to know you.”
Qin Ge’s voice was also trembling. It had been years since he had been so open with his feelings.
“If you really see something, everyone will be thankful to you.” Qin Ge looked into Xie Zijing’s reddened eyes. “Especially me. Remember that. I will be forever grateful to you for everything in the past and now.”
Xie Zijing embraced him tightly once again.
“I know you used to pity me,” he murmured, his voice moist and low, lingering in Qin Ge’s ear. “I don’t need pity, and I don’t want gratitude.”
Qin Ge waited for his next words, but after taking a deep breath, Xie Zijing swallowed the words he was about to say.
“Come inside, Qin Ge,” he said softly. “But if my ‘sea area’ scares you, I might hate you.”
Qin Ge closed his eyes. A warm strength surged through him, soft and enveloping, wrapping both of them together. The fine hairs brushed against Xie Zijing’s cold arms and face, and tears fell from his eyes. Anxious and unable to do anything else but hold Qin Ge tightly.
Xie Zijing’s ‘sea area’ remained the same as always, and Qin Ge didn’t see any obvious changes.
He pulled open the third drawer, and the bouquet was still inside. But this time, when he looked again, Qin Ge felt a complex mix of emotions. In the second drawer, there were Xie Zijing’s certificates of honor and photos from that day. Xie Zijing’s gaze was fixed on someone beyond the camera, with a smile at the corner of his mouth.
Memories from the past that Qin Ge had never been aware of suddenly appeared before him. He placed Xie Zijing’s photo next to his own on the table. After a long pause, he muttered, “You fool.”
The wardrobe behind him creaked open slightly, revealing a crack.
Qin Ge immediately stood up and rushed to the wardrobe, swinging open the door.
Inside the wardrobe, there was a person. The sudden influx of light illuminated his face, and Qin Ge watched him, his heart racing in confusion. It was the young Xie Zijing.
He had the same hairstyle and was dressed in the same sportswear as in the photo. The Xie Zijing in the closet extended his arms towards Qin Ge. Qin Ge embraced him, and in that moment, he suddenly noticed a breeze blowing into the dark corner of the closet, gently rustling their hair.
The closet door slammed shut, and both Xie Zijing and Qin Ge fell to the floor in the room.
There was no light on the ceiling, but the room was forever bright. Eighteen-year-old Xie Zijing straddled Qin Ge, bending down and giving him a gentle kiss. Then he lay on top of Qin Ge, using an unusually strong force to keep him tightly embraced.
“You’ve grown up.” His voice was different from the current Xie Zijing, still untouched by tobacco and carrying a hint of youthfulness. “I’ve always wanted to lie down with you like this.”
Qin Ge asked, “From when?”
Xie Zijing replied, “From the first time I saw you.”
Qin Ge said, “At the skills competition? Little brother, I was only 14 at the time.”
A smile adorned the face of the young Xie Zijing, “You were cuter at 14 than you are now.”
Qin Ge scolded him, “Pervert.” Xie Zijing covered his mouth, kissing him for a while before pulling back and staring directly at Qin Ge.
Qin Ge was also carefully examining him.
This was not normal. A voice inside Qin Ge reminded him: this is not normal.
The Xie Zijing before him was clearly the self-awareness of Xie Zijing within his “sea area.” Yet he remained in the form he had at 18 years old. Every person’s self-awareness should change as they grow older and gain more experience. It couldn’t remain the same appearance forever unless the sentinels or guides’ mental world remained stuck at a particular age.
“What exactly happened at Jiwu Temple?” Qin Ge asked him.
Xie Zijing sat up on him, rubbed his eyes, and said, “I’ll cry if I tell you. He will also be sad.”
“I’ll comfort you,” Qin Ge said. “I will always be with you.”
The young man in front of him smiled for a moment, and his eyes turned slightly red. “I like that, whether you mean it or not.”
He fell silent for a moment and finally spoke.
“Many memories have already faded, or I can’t link them together. But some particularly vivid ones remain,” he pointed to his head. “We went to Lhasa as the first stop with my parents.”
After landing in Lhasa, the family visited Xie Zijing’s mother’s friend, who warmly received them.
While planning the specific itinerary, Xie Zijing’s father insisted on visiting Jiwu Temple and the nearby Luquan. A few days later, the three of them bid farewell to his mother’s friend, rented a car, and set off. They traveled far, stopping along the way, and had a relaxing and enjoyable time. The day before they arrived at Jiwu Temple, they stayed overnight at a local inn.
The innkeeper, upon learning of their plan to visit Jiwu Temple, strongly recommended that they stay a bit longer at night. He said that the recent celestial events were unusual, and people believed that the long-dried Luquan might start flowing with sweet underground water again.
Xie Zijing suddenly became interested. To fulfill his wish, the next day, when they started their journey, all three of them were prepared to camp around Luquan.
On the evening of the second day, the family left Jiwu Temple and followed the map and the guide’s instructions to walk to Luquan.
“Here is as far as we got,” Xie Zijing said. “I don’t remember anything that happened after this.”
When Xie Zijing regained consciousness, he found himself in a hospital, with his parents absent. Several sentinels and guides were moving about in the ward, and as soon as they saw him awake, they rushed over to inquire.
It was only at this moment that Xie Zijing learned that his parents had gone missing.
Whether it was Luquan or Jiwu Temple, they couldn’t find any trace of his parents.
“Do you remember the date of that day?” Qin Ge asked.
“August 7th,” Xie Zijing replied.
Qin Ge fell silent.
“Is it the same day?” Xie Zijing asked, “with Luquan?”
“Yes,” Qin Ge nodded.
It was strange. Xie Zijing didn’t feel sadness or anger in his heart, but rather a deep sense of worry.
The Luquan incident from back then not only resulted in the deaths of all members of the Falcon Unit but also the disappearance of two outsiders. Content that even someone in a position like Gao Tianyue couldn’t find… could they really discover it?
However, when he thought of Gao Tianyue, Qin Ge suddenly realized something—Xie Zijing had been forcibly placed in the Adjustment Department by Gao Tianyue, right by Qin Ge’s side.
Qin Ge was the only adjuster in crisis management who could dive deeply into Xie Zijing’s “sea area” and who could be mobilized by Gao Tianyue.
“Xie Zijing, what’s outside this room?” Qin Ge held Xie Zijing’s hand. “You definitely know, don’t you? You lied to me, saying that it was just this room, which is impossible. Obviously, even Lu Qinglai knows about you…”
Xie Zijing held his hand and let him stand up. Qin Ge noticed that even within the “sea area,” Xie Zijing’s self-awareness was trembling slightly.
This was intense fear. Qin Ge didn’t know what Xie Zijing was afraid of, whether it was the contents outside the room or his exploration of the exterior of the room.
Lu Qinglai had repeatedly warned him that Xie Zijing used this room to maintain his “normalcy,” and the space beyond the room was a cruel sea that Xie Zijing couldn’t face. Qin Ge was uneasy, and for a moment, he even hesitated: don’t go inside; don’t explore; it might cause Xie Zijing pain.
But the young man tightly held his hand, and even though he was afraid, he continued to guide him step by step into the closet.
Qin Ge felt like he had plunged into icy water. The darkness was like an all-encompassing cold, enveloping his entire consciousness.
He left that watery place and stepped into the space outside the room.
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